Staying Thin ~ Thinking Out Loud

Afraid of failing & weekly workout summary

2012-01-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

The other day I was at Lulu Lemon getting new running shorts (bf accidentally washed a bunch of mine and wrecked them, great excuse to buy new ones!) when I started talking to a girl who was running her first marathon this spring. It was a really fun conversation and I realized afterwards that I LOVE running and kept asking myself why I don't want to race again.

The truth is I'm afraid of not being able to meet my time goal. Which is a huge cop out I know, but it's why I don't want to race. I always do things with an end goal in mind (however ridiculous that goal might be) and I the only thing I want is a Boston Marathon qualifying time... nothing else. Again my 'all or nothing' mentality is holding me back. I'm pretty sure I could (based on last years time, how I felt and how I trained) but there's that small bit of self doubt that holds me back and stops me from trying. Its way easier to not try than to try and fail.

I had a conversation with my friend who's considered the 'runner' of my group of friends even though she hardly runs (the one who's also a new mom) about improving my time and she was really discouraging. Basically she doesn't think I can do it and made me feel like crap for even thinking I could qualify. So that kinda got the whole self doubt/questioning train of thought going.

There are other reasons but they're manageable. One is I really HATE the way my stomach feels when marathon training. I think carb loading and eating massive amounts of pasta/rice is COMPLETE NONSENSE and don't do it. You should be eating proper nutrition the whole time (which is NOT pasta and refined carbs) and I don't eat any differently than I normally do EXCEPT I factor in extra calories for training days. Which means my stomach feels gross/fuller than normal and I don't like it. It's something I can deal with though because I know it's temporary.

Despite all my self doubt I'm leaning towards registering for a marathon in May. Probably won't tell anyone about it until I can figure out if it's likely I'm going to meet my goal.

This weeks workouts & net cals, I really struggle to fix in 6 days of exercise which is nothing new. I've started to up the weight training and it's something I'm going to try and stay on top of (if I decide to run the marathon).

January 15-21, 2012

Sunday - Rest Day. 1,133 cals

Monday - 1 hour elliptical level 12 random program. Core. 147 cals

Tuesday - treadmill 20 minutes (2.42 miles) chest & back. 800 cals

Wednesday - treadmill 50 minutes (5.58 miles) bis & tris. 1,245 cals

Thursday - treadmill 22 minutes (jog 6.3 (3 min) run 8.2 (2 min) repeat) legs. 952 cals

Friday - 1 hour elliptical level 13 hill program core & upper back. 467 cals

Saturday - Rest day 1,924 cals???? we went out to eat and I had some wine and had to guess calories because we never eat at places that have published menus
Saturday - Rest

~ Harlow

Another hump day & healthy choices

2012-01-18T10:59:00.000-08:00

I'm really not a fan of winter. Even though I don't mind running outside in the cold it's pretty much impossible now with all the ice.

The temps have dropped so much in the past few days (to -20C) and now my skin looks so dry and lack luster. I'm going to try some new foundations this weekend and MAC's strobe cream in an attempt to look more vibrant. I think (and hope!) since my nutrition's in check its probably environmental factors causing this. Though ever since this weekend I've been wondering how much 'looking good/healthy' is lifestyle and how much is genetics.

The reason for this train of thought is my friend V. Over the past few weeks I've been spending a lot of time with her and she's constantly putting herself down (and I try and boost her up) which is something new. You know when you see your friends all the time you don't really notice what they look like? Well when she referred to her face as 'my crappy old lady face' to someone the other day I actually looked and really noticed what she looked like. It wasn't good.

She's always been the one that was cute and healthy looking but now she looks at least 10-15 years older than she actually is and a bit haggard. It really hit me then that yeah genetics play a big part but so does lifestyle.

V has worked in a pub the last 10 years which means late nights, most meals are fried food, lots of booze and partying. Plus she smokes. She's thin but her lifestyle is starting to catch up with her. She's constantly complaining her hair looks like crap, her face looks old, she's wrinkly etc. She knows she should eat better and exercise but doesn't. My friends and I can only give so much advice, it's really up to her to make different choices. I feel bad for her because no one wants to see their friend so down on themselves.

I guess an unhealthy lifestyle over time does override good genetics. Its not something I really thought about until now and I've been remembering this all week when trying to make good choices. Like yesterday when my office ordered Chinese food and I was like I'm good with my veggie sandwich... Sometimes it really sucks making good choices but in the end it's worth it.

~ Harlow

weekly workout summary & mini running goal.

2012-01-15T07:52:00.000-08:00

So this was a pretty easy week at the gym, we had some insane weather (and closed highways) so sometimes things were just out of my control. Instead of freaking out about it I tried to breath and made sure I was really mindful of my intake. I have been debating posting my weekly calories in these posts, but I'm not sure. I really hate being judged for how much I eat/don't eat etc and the thought of posting it stresses me out quite a bit. I think if I feel comfortable I will post and if I don't, I won't.

Yesterday I went to the gym with my friend and even though we have completely different workouts it was so nice (and motivating) to have someone there. We did 20 minutes of cardio together (I made myself run at 7.1 mph because dammit she was working out beside me!), separate strength training then she left and I did more cardio. I seriously miss having a gym buddy, it makes such a difference.

I also miss having a training goal so I decided that I will aim to be able to run 30 minutes strait at 8.3 mph (7.22 minute miles) by July 1st. I figure if I focus on my speed now when I do decide to run my next marathon I'll be that much faster :) I also got new runners a few weeks ago, Sauconys, and I like them a lot more than my Brooks.

Weekly Workout Summary & Net Cals. My goal is to eat around 1100 per day, but overall I look at weekly intake:

Sunday - Rest. 1255 cals

Monday - 1 hour elliptical level 13 hill program. 10 minutes run on treadmill. bis & tris. 612 cals

Tuesday - 45 minutes elliptical level 13 random program. 10 minute run on treadmill. core. 381 cals

Wednesday - 25 minute run on treadmill (6.7mph), legs/glutes. 194 cals

Thursday - yoga. 1031 cals

Friday - 45 minute run on treadmill, chest & back. 1758 cals (!!!) most of this booze, it was my friends bday. I NEVER drink and I was so sick at the end of the night. I really hate drinking, which is why I hardly ever do.

Saturday - 45 minute run on treadmill, core. 627 cals

~ Harlow

Also thank you so much for your cookbook suggestions, it really helps to have people recommend ones that are good :)

tgif

2012-01-13T07:57:00.000-08:00

I am so incredibly sore from yoga. I didn't think it was suppose to work like that but I guess that means it's doing something. I will keep it up I suppose.

Since it's January, a new year and all, I've been trying to think of what I can do better. I always need define goals to work towards or I feel lost. Since I decided against running a marathon this spring I'm trying to find the perfect balance between exercise and calories. I've been going through my older Fitness RX magazines and re-reading the beauty the goddess factor interviews (cheesy name ugh) because the women featured have the ideal athletic body. I'm using their body stats, diet and workouts as a guide for what/how much to eat and how to train. The Lose It iPhone app has been a serious life saver in keeping everything in one place.

I ordered some shorts online yesterday. My dream goal would be to have thin little legs like this one day.

one day?

slender

2012-01-11T04:29:00.000-08:00

If I knew 100% that yoga would make me slender and lean I'd force myself to do it more often. Fave fashion blogger, love how her style is both hippie and minimalist at the same time. Kinda like Kate Moss' look. Perfect balance of modern and vintage. I'm all for the free spirit look, but anything that could be mistaken for a Halloween costume is a no go in my books.

Yoga tonight. yuck.

vegan cookbooks, it's just easier to make stuff yourself

2012-01-10T16:53:00.000-08:00

Ok so maybe I'm the last person to know this but apparently most sugar isn't vegan or vegetarian because it's produced with bone char. wtf. SO now begins the major struggle of trying to give up sugar, as in never have it ever, even if it's within my daily calorie allotment.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't say I'm vegetarian because I might have accidentally eaten something that had a hidden animal product. On the flip side, being able to say I don't eat meat/animal byproducts saves me in social situations where I would have otherwise been expected to eat what ever's being served. Vegetarianism pretty much saved me at all the Christmas parties I went to last month. ribs? chicken? shrimp? no thanks. Saying I'm a vegetarian raises less eyebrows than saying I can't eat that because I don't want to get fat!

After slacking off for most of December I've started up trying out new vegan/vegetarian recipes again on Sundays. The point is to find a decent amount of things that I can make that are actually edible (this is where the thrive diet book FAILS) not just to me but for my bf. I want to be able to come home from work and make stuff quickly that we both can eat without having to think about it.

I know I'm always going on and on about Fresh Restaurants and how much I love their food (and dragging non vegetarian people there to eat), but I finally got some of their cookbooks! My favourite is Fresh at Home because the recipes are pretty simple and I have yet to eff one up and they're actual vegetarian dishes, not recipes trying to imitate meat dishes. Bf who is not a big fan of food that doesn't involve meat likes what I've made so far. The next cookbook I plan on getting is Veganomicon, because quite a few of you guys have recommended it in the comments.

I'm trying to find some motivation to go to the gym right now, I'm so friggin tired. Life is hectic, we're living in two places, since I have yet to find a job in the city (%#!&). I stay here with family during the week and work, then go home on the weekends. Bf comes down on weds but IT STILL SSSUUUUUCCCCKKKS!!

K forcing myself to hit the gym.

~ H

Get out of the gym!

2012-01-09T19:16:00.001-08:00

Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I hate the new years resolutioners who rush to the gym January 1st. It happens every single year, yet it always has me raging.

Last week was insane, there were a couple days that the gym was so crowded there were absolutely NO cardio machines available. I used a skipping rope to warm up and did stretches while I waited, but deep down I really wanted to go and shove this lady off the treadmill so I could use it (obviously I didn't). It drives me nuts seeing people walking at a snails pace then wandering around the gym leaning on stuff talking to friends, because I'm actually there to work out. Thank god they'll be gone in a few weeks.

A few other things, I decided not to run another marathon this spring, my vanity has won. I want a good/thin body for the summer so I'm going to train how I usually do (weights/HIIT/cardio/yoga) instead of running all the time. Everyone's body is different but I find high milage and very little weigh training does not work for me. I don't like the body I have when I train like that. Plus running 50+ miles a week makes you hungry all the time, ridiculously hungry... Which sucks.

Also I have these (vegan) leather shorts I want to fit perfectly by the time June rolls around. All my motivation is basically the fact that I want to fit into these silly shorts.

That's all for now, my new years resolution was to be a better blogger.

~ Harlow

Workout Schedule & switching things up

2011-11-28T06:27:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling very over whelmed right now. I'm sure many people do this time of year. This week I'll be lucky if I can hit the gym 4 times. My bf asked why I was volunteering so much lately as I barley have enough time as it is. I really need to cut some stuff or learn how to manage my time better... time management and saying no to people is something I struggle with. It doesn't help that December has to be the most difficult time of year to stick to an eating/exercise schedule, there is so much stuff going on!!!

I'm going through a particularly difficult 'ugh-I-hate-my-body-so-much' phase, I'm just so frustrated with the amount of work it takes to not be fat. I don't see many people around me working out/dieting - my friends are all smokers who are also thin, so I feel (in my world anyways) I'm the only person struggling. Luckily I have blogs to read of ppl going through the same thing to keep me sane!!

Talking to my bf this morning about working out/goals/etc he suggested doing circuit training, way better use of time and more efficient at fat burning. So that's what I'm going to do going forward to survive December. Here are last week's workouts:

Workout: November 20-26, 2011

Sunday: 8 mile outdoor run

Monday: 1 hour elliptical level 12 (random program), 50 min treadmill 5 miles

Tuesday: rest day

Wednesday: 50 min treadmill 5.31 miles, bis & tris

Thursday: 50 min treadmill 5.30 miles, chest & back

Friday: cross ramp 1 hour, 19 min treadmill 2 miles, light leg workout

Saturday: 4 mile outdoor run

Sorry that the formatting on a few of the recent posts is wonky & there aren't many pictures, I'm limited when posting from my phone. I plan on cleaning up the blog sometime this week, it bugs me when the blog looks sloppy!

~ Harlow

Sometime I just want to look at pretty pictures

2011-11-25T04:38:00.000-08:00

That also happen to contain pretty clothes. I really appreciate when some has their own style regardless of whether or not I would wear it. I like creativity. I also love the look of loose clothing, but it's something only certain frames/sizes can wear and look good.

There's a reason you're not suppose follow trends blindly. If I see one more person wearing leggings as pants who shouldn't be I just might lose it.

*EDIT* Compared to most fashion bloggers I've always considered this beautiful girl quite thin. But after posting these photos on here I see her as just your average sized girl... I think that is my broken mind speaking???

Hump Day

2011-11-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what it is about November but for some reason I always feel inspired to take things up a notch, get back into the grove of blogging, find ways to improve my fitness& diet. It's probably a combination of knowing that many holidays/parties/pictures are around the corner combined with the fact that I have a tiny bit more free time (less stuff going on because the weathers crappy). It's a lot easier to hit the gym when you know you're not missing out on something fun.

Yesterday was my scheduled rest day from working out, but I still felt really anxious about not doing any exercise. Even though I know rest days are important, a part of me always feels guilty that I'm not actively combating my weight. I think thats something that i'll always feel but I'm working on it. For now I stay busy and use rest days to get stuff done.

My potential new years eve dress came in the mail yesterday and I tried it on... It's a small and it fits, but it needs to be looser to look right (I really don't like tight clothing). I'm pretty sure doing more weight training (instead of so much cardio) will help... I hope a month is enough time to get into it.

I like to think that working out will give me a body like this...

On another note sometimes I feel guilty that I can focus on 'frivolous' things like working out/loosing weight/running to be healthy but also to look a certain way. Not everyone has the privilege of free time to exercise because they're working shitty hours at multiple jobs to get by. I'm not wealthy by any means but I'm comfortable and grateful for that. A few more acquaintances lost their jobs this week and it seems like everyone is stressed out about money. I don't know, I try to be aware of what's going on around me and give back (although I could do a lot more) and I guess I'm writing this to let you guys know even though I'm obsessed about the size of my thighs/exercise/running I do think about other things.

~ H

gym, running, and all that jazz

2011-11-21T19:43:00.000-08:00

It was one of those days, starting with an email saying my phone bill was $450 (got that fixed and credited but wasted an hour fighting on the phone with my stupid cell company). Just one thing after another so by the time 5 o'clock rolled around I was so happy to just get to the gym and workout. For now I'm trying to condition my mind (to get used to being bored) and body (to get used to being active for long periods of time). It's basically lots of cardio, until December when I start following a marathon training plan.

I always like to think I'm invisible at the gym, no one wants to be noticed when they're a sick, sweaty mess. When I finished my 2 hours of cardio and was struggling to get up the stairs there was a guy waiting at the top, a regular, holding the door for me. I was like 'go ahead I'm slow' and he was like 'no, no I'll wait' and then he said 'you've started training hard again'. He started asking questions about what I was training for etc and thinking he was a runner I started asking him running questions... but he said he's not a runner. He wears a leotard type suit thing and always runs on the treadmill so... obviously I thought he was a runner, most guys don't wear spandex workout clothes. He's not training for anything, he just has to work out a lot because when he stops he gains weight. not something I expected to come out of a guys mouth.

Anyways I started getting that weird feeling when he introduced himself halfway through the conversation and shook my hand. When I was leaving the gym he caught my eye and waved. I don't know what it is about this gym. I avoided it for awhile and went to the ladies gym with its super crappy equipment because there was an awkward situation with another guy... it's not like the bar, where if you ask someone out and they say no you'll probably never see them again. At the gym you constantly run into them and it's uncomfortable. Sooo it's looking like it's the women's gym again for me.

As far as marathon training goes, I was really stressing out about finding enough time to train properly and I came up with a solution. I still have vacation time left and if I take an hour or 2 off my regular work day a few times a week that'll give me time to actually follow a running schedule. Other random training things, I've decided to sit in the sauna at least once a week, because I HATE being hot. If it's hot outside it really affects my running, so hopefully roasting in the sauna will help me deal with overheating. I'm also going to get a weighted vest and train with that periodically. I'm all about pushing your body to the extreme so that when it comes time to run a marathon it seems easy compared to training.

The best part of my day was coming home to dinner (because today was so crazy and it ended up being a coffee only day) ... quinoa & vegetables, something I can eat! I know it frustrates my bf sometimes that I'm so picky and I feel bad, but I really REALLY appreciate it when he accommodates me.

I'm going to start posted my weekly workouts every Sunday again, because it's helpful to look back and see where I can improve, and train better. Hopefully it's useful to someone else as well!

~ H

random life stuff about babies

2011-11-20T09:56:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting/slightly depressing night last night. My friend planned a surprise birthday party for our other other friend who was in town for the week, someone who is a new mother. The dinner turned into a venting session for our friend with the baby. She kept assuring us she was happy... but she sure didn't sound like it, she sounded like she f'ing hated her life. She married money, so once they settled in they decided to have a kid, and I guess for whatever reason she thought it would be a fairy tale and it isn't. I don't know how anyone can NOT know babies are a ridiculous amount of work, but apparently she didn't realize that.

Anyways, (not that I'm planning on having kids anytime soon) just mentally trying to be ok with the idea that your body gains some weight to accommodate a baby is hard enough. I have observed that people who exercise and eat well for the most part go back to their pre-baby bodies and I have convinced myself that when the time comes, way down the road, that with strict diet & exercise I can manage my body and make it go back to normal after a child. I will have the same body, no matter how hard I have to work to get it!

But I dunno, if you hate your life and are miserable because you can't have the life you used to have because of the baby... you can't really fix that with diet and exercise. It was just so, so depressing and upsetting listening to my friend stress about the baby all night (and not being able to help her), is this how most people feel about being a mother??? They aren't very happy but pretend they love motherhood?? They love their husband but are obviously resentful of the fact their husband isn't tied to the baby 24/7??

So that's something that's been on my mind all morning. In other news my upper body is super sore from doing weights yesterday and I'm about to go on a long run. in the rain. and its cold. I gave up visiting friends this afternoon so I could run, I realized that to find more time to train I have to give up fun stuff. Sometimes you just have to sacrifice things to reach your goals.

next post will be about running/training because I've devised a plan to take training up a notch (besides more speed work).

~ H

I need more time

2011-11-19T08:37:00.000-08:00

There is no such thing as sleeping in anymore. Right now I'm writing this on my phone from a tanning bed. I'm struggling to find the time to train for this marathon, it's really hard to find 2-3 hours a day during the week on top of everything else. Weekends, no problem, I can do my longlong runs then, but obviously I have to train more than just Saturday and Sunday.

Ugh I really don't know how to create more time. Between working full time, doing side project work stuff and going to events for my bf's new job (which I really enjoy attending) I can't really cut anything out. It sucks but it's reality, if I'm out and representing my bf/his job-company, I need to look good, not just presentable but also fit. SO it's absolutely imperative that I take care of myself.

As politically incorrect as this is I wish I didn't have to work full time!! Seriously! I like being busy, but instead of spending 40+ hours a week slaving away for someone else, I wish I could spend some of that time slaving away on my body. If I could find a part time job that paid as much as my full time one I'd be golden. But I don't see that happening anytime soon. So for now I'm juggling things and trying to make it all work.

Also I've come to accept that as long as you're not fat people are going to judge you on what you eat/don't eat. Like the other day I was in a meeting for work with my new manager who brought cookies and a bunch of other stuff that I don't like to eat. I declined a cookie and she made a joke to everyone "that's why she looks so good, she passes up treats! " I know she didn't mean anything rude by it, but I'd rather ppl just pay attention to their own eating habits!!!

Thank you for your comments & emails, I'm still around I just find that if I'm pressed for time I have to skip on blogging... and hit the gym instead.

~ H

Off to the gym now

chchchchanges?

2011-10-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog! Every time I log on the blogging world has changed, the people I met when I first started blogging are no longer around (which I'm going to say is a good thing) and I guess I've changed a lot too.

I still wish I looked hella skinny like Rumi Neely, who won the genetic lottery and is naturally tall and thin.

I've grudgingly accepted that my skeleton basically has me screwed - no matter how much weight I lose I'm still going to have this stupid pear/hour glass shape. soooooo the goal is making my body the best it can be rather than crying because it doesn't look like hers. Also to try and retain some sanity I read random positive things like this, which helps a little.

I've been running for fun the last few months and now that fall is here I'm ready to start training for my next marathon, very excited about it actually. Not sure if I'm going to buy a training plan to follow, (the last one I as using ended up being too easy so I made my own) or just do some research and design my own. haven't decided yet.

Quick update. Goals & Calories

2011-08-25T09:13:00.001-07:00

I'm really impressed with the Lose It app for my phone. At first I was annoyed because I had to look up calories/nutritional info for a lot of things I eat (and double checked other sources to make sure it was accurate) but now that I've done that it's a breeze. I'm down 5.2 pounds over the past week or so, which I'm guessing is mostly water weight but I'll take it. My goal is to get my hips back down to 34/35 inches, which matters more to me than the number on the scale. Plus I'm all about slow and steady weight loss these days.

Some thoughts about this week;

- even though I can work treats into my plan, the day I ate 12 (organic) dark chocolate cover almonds I almost lost my mind! I knew was allowed to eat them but I felt extremely guilty and my first thought was to purge :/ instead I mentally made list of reasons why I shouldn't and that was enough to get me through the moment.

- logically I know cutting cals puts your body into fat storing mode some days I really struggle to eat enough. I'm happy to say most days I do (according to the Lose It app) meet the goal of 1250

-I'm slowly going vegan, I have vegan days to ease into things. On Sundays I've been trying new vegan recipes and I have to say I'm not impressed at all with the ones from the thrive diet book. Most are gross. Because of this I'm afraid to make the green smoothies... But hemp protein is expensive so I have too dammnit!

- I'm currently not training for a marathon( but still working out) mainly because for whatever reason I just don't have the desire to run another one anytime soon. Plus I don't want to deal with the increased appetite that comes with running 40-80 miles a week.

I'm leaving tomorrow bright and early (and I do not do early well!) with my love to a trip to Toronto. I'm quite excited because he's got it all planned out and he's taken my neurotic tendencies into consideration. We get to eat at my fave vegan/veg place and are bringing a cooler of healthy snacks, I'm really looking forward to this trip! I know we'll be drinking/wine at some events so I've been extra good and very diligent at the gym this week. My weekly calories are at a deficit so if I go A BIT over on the weekend we should be good.

Oh yes there will also be a little shopping :) I found some interesting YouTube videos you guys might like, I'll try and post them when I get back.

~ Harlow

light as a feather in all kinds of weather

2011-08-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

I've gotten some comments that the girls in my pictures are fat. Weeeeeelllll, I don't want to look like a walking skeleton and photos of emacitacted people make me sad. They don't motivate me in any way. I want to be small, fit and have a healthy glow. Images of people who have these attributes encourage me to push myself just a little bit more during my workouts, pass up that desert and eat healthy things instead. And those are the images I choose to share with you :)

I went for a run this morning, that ended up being an hour of walk/run. It was so freaking hot, I thought I might pass out from heat stroke. Now I have to hit the gym this afternoon because I don't feel like I really got a workout in. I much prefer running in the fall and winter.

A wee bit of frustration

2011-08-19T11:12:00.001-07:00

So this week has been challenging, it seems like society's structured to make people fat. I was thinking about this today on my way to the coffee shop at lunch. I always get a tea or coffee and it only takes about 40 minutes of walking all together. I love escaping the office, getting some sun and occupying my lunch break with something other than eating. I see brave souls from different buildings making the trek as well, there is no sidewalk so you have to walk on the shoulder of the road as traffic flys by at 80km/h. It would be much easier to drive, which is what most people I work with do. I always get the "why don't you just drive?" question.

It's the same thing with food, The only healthy options at restaurants around here seems to be a pathetic salad topped with limp vegetables. It's been such a crazy busy week that I've had no time for cooking. I ended up fasting more days than I wanted too since I wasn't willing to eat unhealthy takeout. Which obviously sucks... Better meal planning is required this week.

I also cracked this week and stepped on the scale and surprisingly I was only in the 130s. Because I'm so pressed for time I've had to cut my workouts back to 3-4 times a week and made them shorter. I expected I'd weight a ton more because of that, but thank god that's not the case. It's weird, not to many years ago I used to be ok with being in the 130s, now I really feel like only the 120s are acceptable.

I am sooooo happy it's almost the weekend and for once I don't have to do anything, or be anywhere and I couldn't be happier! I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow.

Are Green Smoothies the Answer?

2011-08-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

why oh why must each dress be a
ridiculous amount of money?

I'm completely obsessed with all things Californian these days. The laid back lifestyle, the fashion, the effortless cool people seem to exude. All of that AND the fact the majority of people seem to be fit and thin. I've been mulling this over for days, asking my friends who have lived in LA and even commented on a few Cali blogger's blogs; why do the majority of people living in California look so good?

The answer always seems to be everyone is really into health and fitness (for a variety of reasons) and it's easy to get fresh organic food. In theory this idea seems common sense and simple, but for people living outside the sunny state it's not so much!

Along this line of thinking I started re reading the thrive diet and decided to start drinking green smoothies in place of breakfast and/or lunch. The idea being they're healthy, low cal and will help in losing weight. I did a fast today but I'm finally growing out my gross mullet hair do thanks to ED related breakage and hair loss. For me extensive fasting seems to be the recipe for hair loss. I really want to have nice hair so these smoothies seem like the perfect solution to lose weight but not my hair. Plus feel better, have clearer skin and all that jazz.

So starting Thursday (grocery day) I'll be having a lot more of these smoothies! I have to say a lot of the vegan recipes in the Thrive Diet and Ani's Raw Food Kitchen look unappealing but they actually taste really good (and are low cal). Fingers crossed the smoothies don't taste disgusting. This is the first recipe I plan on trying;

Kale Calcium Boost Smoothie
3 leaves kale
1 apple, cored
1 date
2 cups water
1 tbsp ground flax seed
1 tbsp hemp protein
1 tbsp tahini

makes about 3 1/2 cups and can be refrigerated for up to 3 days. Using ice cubes/frozen fruit makes the smoothies thicker, which seems to ward off hunger long. For extra flavor and electrolytes, substitute coconut water for water.

... wish me luck! Haven't calculated the exact calories yet but I can't imagine they'll be very high.

I'm really busy these days and its hard to find the time to blog. I'll start posting my weekly workout summaries and lulu lemon clothing reviews again in the fall. Work potluck tomorrow, BBQ on Thursday, always something involving food. I wish all my friends were into health food, that way there wouldn't be so much temptation every time there was a social function. My vegan friend moved away so now I'm the lone health nut of the group.

and now it's time for a run :)

~ H

Plastic and processed soy, does everything make us fat?!!

2011-08-15T08:28:00.001-07:00

Uggghhh Monday has to be the worse day of the week, for office workers anyways. Worse for me because I know the end of this office hell is near, crossing off each day until I leave on the calendar keeps me sane(ish). That and all my side projects. Plus What is it with office workers and food? I swear the reason people get fat isn't from sitting all day at a computer but the fact theres food all over the office and everyone's bored out of their skull therefore they eat. And eat. And eat. There was cake here 3 times last week and other "treats". Costco cake uuuuuugggghhhhhh so disgusting. Thank god i hate it. Luckily all the other "treats" were main dishes that had meat in them.

Im trying to get my head back in the weight loss game, read some of my old favorites this weekend (I'm a silent lurker, apologies I know I should comment more) trying to figure out how to go about doing this without turning into a crazy person. Size 0, yes please. Depressed, irrational person, no thanks. Can't seem to let go of the this size 0 dream. Weight loss is constantly on my mind.

Anyways the whole point of this post was to write about the idea that plastic & processed soy contributes to people being fat. I keep coming across articles (like this one- also really like this site; http://thepsychologyoffitness.com/2011/04/21/what-to-do-if-you-have-fat-thighs/ ) that think part of the reason our society is becoming fatter and fatter is because plastic leeches into food and drinks and when it gets into our body it mimics a certain type of estrogen stored in women's thighs...meaning increased fat storage in our thighs. Same with processed soy. Grreeeeaaattt. I kept coming across this theory on many different websites and I'm inclined to believe it.

I have no problem cutting out soy, I pretty much only have it if I'm going to a BBQ (People can't seem to handle grilled a portabello mushroom in place of a burger). But the plastic thing is really hard. Seriously everything seems to come in contact with plastic some way.

In other news gym bag is packed and ready to go, gymming it up after work!

~ Harlow

Just a little weight loss never hurt anyone

2011-08-12T21:40:00.001-07:00

Well, I think it's time to take control of things. My body feels so alien to me. Although I'm lucky (I guess) my natural body size seems to be a 4 and not a 14 I just can't seem to accept it! I have really been trying to be all positive and accepting but it's kind of difficult! I can't seem to let go of the desire to be super slim and slender.

I think there's some sort of middle ground. I've downloaded the lose it app on my phone so that's a start. The key is always about balance. Balance balance balance.

Counseling was helpful but frustrating at the same time. The lady I was talking to could only help up until a point (her words). She recommend out patient ed treatment which meant massive, massive amounts of red tape. The worst part was the treatment center was at the hospital where a girl in my circle of friends works. PLUS she happens to work in the mental health unit (and in my opinion she is the last person who should be helping people!). I know there are codes of conduct and records are to be kept confidential but she is one of those people who would tell all of our friends (gossip) under the guise of "concern" and "helping". So once again no out patient.

I'm in a good spot right now and just want to be healthy, fit and a bit smaller. Ok. A lot smaller. At least I'm honest.

Stats and strategy to come :)

On another note 2 girls on my Facebook have competed as fitness competitors & although I admire their hard work and dedication I really don't like or want a super muscular, cut body. I find it very unappealing. I find extremely muscular guys just as unattractive. However a bodybuilders discipline is admirable and I will use it as motivation.

~Harlow

Gypsy rose I will let u know when the store is open. The goal is Sept 1st.

EDIT: I was searching for a fitness model photo to add to this post but pretty much in every one the girls are posed like hookers and wearing next to nothing. Why is that?????

So I'll leave you with these instead :)

Hello

2011-08-08T18:11:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been awhile. I needed some time and space to clear my head. That's the way it goes around here, with this type of blog anyways.

Why is it that my only options are I can be skinny and neurotic or average with good friends, a good relationship, and on my way to a career I like (I'm in the beginning stages of opening up an online shop amongst other things) but not both? I'm trying hard to either not think about my weight and just focus on health but there's always that nagging truthful voice in the back of mind telling me I looked better last summer, when all my size zeros zipped up without a struggle.

The rigid discipline that drove me exercise for hours daily and to starve has been channeled into other endeavors, which is paying off.

But

As much as I keep trying to convince my mind that my body is fine the way it is I buy into societies message you can never be thin enough. It didn't help being around my friend L this weekend, 99% sure she's anorexic and makes not eating look effortless. Yes I'm completely envious of her slim size 00 body. In the photos from this weekend I look like a cow standing next to her. Sigh. Must.burn.photos. Uggggghhh.

Anyways I know logging back on and into this world is playing with fire... yet here I am. I'm looking forward to catching up on blogs tomorrow afternoon and seeing how you all are doing. For now I've got my to-do list to finish.

~ H

June Goals and your comment questions answered

2011-06-08T13:02:00.001-07:00

The two goals for this month are lose 8-10 pounds (get down to 128, I weighed myself last night) and go vegan. Exercise is a given, if you've been reading this blog for any amount of time you know I'd die if I didn't work out! Now that I am taking a break from (marathon) training the goal is to whip my body back to where it was last summer, skinny not muscular.

I'm both nervous and excited to go vegan, simply the amount of work it'll be at first but I'm looking forward to the changes it will bring. Just going vegetarian made my skin amazing.

Comments (from yesterdays post):

Adrian: just keep at it, build up your mileage and just know running a marathon's a realistic goal. I found it inspiring that you've made peace with your legs. That is my goal... One day to be ok with them. Not there yet, but trying.

Elle asked about the other stuff going on in my life that's keeping me busy and no you're not being noisy! the bf and I are good, here are some things that going on:

- preparing to go vegan (not raw yet, just vegan), reading, researching, long distance phone calls with my hard core raw vegan friend (who is also a personal chef for people who want to go raw) about the vegan lifestyle. I NEED to do things right, my hair is FINALLY getting thick and shiny, the last thing I want to do is have my hair start falling out again. Going vegan this Sunday.

- trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. School, career change, what? The thing I keep going back to is fashion. It's a field I've always wanted to go into. I'm looking into schools, leaning towards one of Ryerson University's fashion program (that will give me a ton of skills relevant to other careers) trying to decide which of the 2 fashion majors is best, analysing job prospects etc basically researching a bunch of things then making a big decision.

- Whole work/social life/gym keeps me away from the computer. Travelling a lot on weekends, comforting newly single friends and one who potentially has cancer, we'll know in a few weeks if the tumours are begnine (this cancer is genetic his mom currently has it and he might now too, crazy since he's only 25)

- Bf's career is taking off and a lot of new opportunities are arising

It just seems like there's never any time in the summer.

Oh yes and the bf made it to 20k. Not bad :)

Fed Up asked what I meant when I said running is conducive to weight loss but marathon training isn't. My experience has been that when running to burn calories performance doesn't matter. I'll run in a fasted state and run slower, sure it might take me an hour to run 4 miles, but it doesn't matter because I'm running to create a calorie deficit. With marathon training, unless you don't care about performance (I can't imagine why you'd run a race if you didn't care about doing well) you need to eat enough to fuel your workouts. Also its easier to ignore hunger when you run shorter distances or do HIIT. It's one thing to be slightly hungry and another to be completely starving because you just ran 16 miles. It really f's with your will power. Ophelia wrote a great post touching on this slightly in regards to her 10k race, I'll link that post later when I'm at a computer.

Anon (on an older post) asked why I removed a photo showing my body and face, I removed most of the photos on this blog because I'm paranoid of people I know stumbling across my blog through search engines. That photo in particular showed my face clearly sooo it would be pretty hard to say it wasn't me...

Also hate posting pics of myself on here for various other reasons but I tried to every once and a while because I knew you guys wonder who writes the blog. BUT. The last time I posted a pic (not on the post you commented on) with my face I lost a follower literally right after they looked at the post!, Normally losing followers doesn't bother me because I get that people's tastes in blogs change (plus this blogs all over the place, happy/sad, healthy/unhealthy so it might not be what u want to currently read) and people choose to un follow for various reasons. but to post a picture of yourself then get immediately un followed is slightly insulting sooo yeah. No pics.

Thank you all for your comments and support it means a lot to me.

~ Harlow
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

I'm still alive!

2011-06-06T10:21:00.001-07:00

I know I owe you guys a race recap, (it's half drafted) but I thought I'd give you a little update since I've been slacking on the blogging lately. I know y'all are dying to know if I finished the marathon and my time, well I survived and did pretty well for a first time race runner (never ran anything before in my life)! My (chip) time was TIME REMOVED and that includes wasting precious minutes in line at the gross porta potties during the race.

I spent the last week recovering, yoga, walking, tried to run on sat (doing the whole reverse taper thing) and at 3 miles my legs said F You! So elliptical it'll be for the next little bit. Haven't decided what my next running goals will be, I'm leaning towards training hard (after a month of active recovery) and running a race in the fall and attempting to get a boston qualifying time. Maybe it's delussional but whatever. It'll make me push myself hard. I'm not 100% sure if that's what I want to do yet because its going to require a lot more commitment and dedication than before. One of the key factors to not burning out is the drive to succeed. If I don't care really about getting that qualifying time then I won't try. You know what I mean?

Currently I'm focusing on cutting down in weight/muscle. I have no idea what I weigh (avoiding the scale for a few weeks for my sanity) but I know must have put on a lot of muscle in the last month.
Running is condusive to weight loss but marathon training is not.

I was planning on doing rusty's visual basic for women, but I don't think my body can handle it just yet.
Basically my goal is to get back my less muscular body. I'm proud I finished the marathon but looking at race pics (that I will keep but won't see the light of day) I have this tiny little mouse face and huge serena williams legs! *#@! Not good! I know the drill/what to do. A whole lotta dieting lays in my future. Which isn't bad because as I'm sure you can imagine now that I'm not running 14+ miles a day my hunger levels have gone WAY down!

That's it for now, I'll probably cut posting down to a couple times a week and resume regular posing and the weekly workout summary when I am training for the next marathon. Lots of non weight stuff is going on and I'm trying to put most of my effort/energy into that stuff.
Thanks for all your support, you guys are amazing readers. Those of you that emailed, thank you and I'll be replying to them throughout the afternoon.

I miss you guys,

~ Harlow
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Twas the night before race day and

2011-05-28T18:49:00.001-07:00

I'm f*cking excited!!! The past couple of days I've been freaking out, can I do this, really do this?? Doubting myself, questioning my sanity for registering, wanting to quit, but after picking up my race package, reading all the race/course info I feel informed enough to be excited.

Plus the bf started getting excited too and now he's running the race. Is this a good idea, probably not but he says he'll run as far as he can then stop. I like that because for the first half of the race I'll have someone to distract me/motivate me and vice versa, so I'll save lady gaga for the end of the race.

Thanks for all your support and comments (and emails) on the last post, I will think of that during parts of the race when I want to give up... And also remember how cynthia blew out her knee on her first race and STILL managed to finish with a decent time! And rose's pre work 20 milers (no biggie eh?!) Soooo if they can do it, I can do it too. I think.

Peace out, miss you guys and can't wait to catch up on blogs and start writing again.

~ H
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Somebody Lit a Fire Under My @ss & A blogging break

2011-05-18T07:45:00.001-07:00

Hi guys,

I'm taking a break from blogging till the beginning of june. I love it but I need to channel my efforts into other things right now.

I had a light bulb moment this weekend.

I went to both a house warming and a baby shower where the topic of the up coming 10 year high school reunion arose (I'm not going). It hit me, I've done none of the things I want to do, and I'm the only one who can change this. I'm currently just kind of stuck in complacency, making no effort towards any other goals besides fitness and weight loss.

I hate where I live
I hate my job
I hate social activities here

There's a lot of things I need to change! So over the last week instead of blogging I put my effort into looking up listings in the city, (the bf and I are viewing places next week), I'm getting help with my resume and job searching so that I can do a career change, I'm looking into college courses (fall), amongst other things, basically putting the wheels in motion so I can have the life I want, that I can't have here. I need a city, i'm dying a slow death in the back country cut off from the world.

I made a list of the things I want to do over the next couple of years (including more marathons) and the one thing that stands out is travelling. I find when I creep facebook I always check out the same 5 people, and look through their albums. Europe, south america, africa, uk, new zealand, thailand all these amazing places that I've never been. Some people backpack, others have wealthy boyfriends who pay for it all but the one thing they all have in common is adventure. Not only do they travel, they do things regular people don't seem to do, like going to bikram yoga school to become a teacher or opening their own business.

I want that.

Oh and a couple of the girls are perfect and tiny and I can't help but be a little envious of that too!

What I don't envy is the lives of the people around me, living on a farm married with kids, hanging out at the local pub. There's nothing wrong with it but its not me and that's ok. Its a life that makes other people happy, but the thought of it makes me miserable and so depressed. I've been beating myself up for being a freak and not wanting what my friends want and I finally acknowledged that its ok and maybe I need some new friends who are more like me.
It hit me that just like weight loss you have to work to get to where you want to be (don't ask why it took so long for me to put this thought into action). You have to make sacrifices and take risks, try new things in order to bring about change. I've been working on it. I don't want to look back on my life and say why didn't I at least try to achieve the things I wanted?

So bloggings on the back burner until I get my sh*t together. I'll be back hopefully with news of changes :) I have a few posts drafted from before blogger crapped out last week (some of the comments on the last post got erased and I don't know how to get them back) I'll get to them when I can. Don't worry, I'll let you guys know how the marathon goes --- eeekk, it's only a week away and I swing from excited to nervous!

~ Harlow

I'm still reading blogs, can't comment on most from my crap phone, in the process of getting a new phone. Till then I'll be a silent lurker.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

a quote for all the girls who are hitting the gym hard & see no changes on the scale

2011-05-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

The scale.

Beloved friend

Hated enemy

Not always an accurate gauge of size.

This has become my go to quote recently on days when I want to pitch the scale out a window!

"Fat is both bulkier and lumpier than muscle. On the contrary, muscle is more dense than fat. Therefore, if you are carrying around an extra five pounds of fat, it is going to take up more space. A woman weighing 145 pounds with 19% body fat will appear much smaller (and healthier) than a woman weighing 145 pounds with 35% body fat. They both weigh the same, yet there is a vast difference in their body composition, and therefore their appearance."

For those of you working hard and frustrated with the scale I hope that gave you a little pick-me-up :) I came across it in this article, which breaks down the muscle vs. fat thing quite nicely.

~ Harlow

Style File - Lame or Not, I Want What These Girls Got

2011-05-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

For once I'm looking forward to summer. Usually right about now I'm freaking out because my weight is too high, I'm flabby since my workouts have been sporadic and I need to drop about 20 pounds. This year it's different. I've been training consistently for months and as a result I can fit into most of my summer wardrobe. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not so far off I can't see the finish line.

It's shallow and vain but one of the most rewarding things about all my exercise efforts (besides feeling better overall) is not having to dig fabric out of my rolls or fight with zippers. That and for whatever reason exercise in combination with my vegetarian diet has made my problem skin amazing. No breakouts! Not even during that time of month.

I've been cleaning out my closet, re-evaluating my personal style, trying to incorporate elements of my favourite style icon's manner of dressing without losing myself. I admire their individuality and seek to define my own. I've gotten rid of stuff I hate (mainly office attire I never wear) and am fine tuning my style just a little bit more, taking a cue from the ladies below.

What they have in common (besides having enviable bodies) is that they clearly have their own look, yet you can't label or define it exactly. They take elements from different styles and fuse them together to form something modern. I love it :)

When I was out and about this weekend I was saddened to see so many women looking like a cliche; ed hardy t-shirts (a crime against fashion those shirts make my eyes bleed), true religion jeans, flip flops, and the trendy C-logo coach purse. Everyone just looked so similar. Brand name logos do not a style icon make*.

Blah.

~ Harlow

*Exceptions to this are small sportswear logos/symbols. I find generic sports gear doesn't cut it so I end up buying brand name stuff. Surf-type labels like roxy or billabong are ok if the logo is subtly hidden.

Week 17 Workout Summary: More Of Your Running Questions Answered!

2011-05-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

A few of you guys have left running related questions on recent posts and I'll do my best to answer them :) I'm by no means an expert runner, I'm just a girl who really liked to run and decided to try to put my efforts towards something productive, completing a marathon. In retrospect I should have done a half first... but you live and learn.

Seeking Something Else asked: I just wonder if you go looking for information about running techniques, plans etc. Do you read running magazines and stuff? or try out new methods (if that's a correct term)? Because I've always just put on shoes, picked a route and run. But my BF was saying I need to get my stride checked, and how I land on my foot etc.

I'm pretty much obsessed with running and get my information from different sources. I visit official websites like Runners World and Run to Finish for technical/scientific information and I balance that out with real life accounts from RoseRunner, Eat, Drink, Run, and Run, Dream & Laugh Out Loud. I read (a lot) of other running blogs but I find these the most helpful in relation to training. I've read a couple running magazines but they seem to have more info about events and athletes rather than anything else. If I have questions I ask employees at the Running Room (who are useless) so I end up researching for info online. I've met people at social events who are runners and through conversation learn random things about training. A lot of stuff comes through trail and error.

Yes I try new methods/different types of training other than just running for fun. I don't break it down in my weekly workout summaries simply because I'm lazy. I was following a marathon training plan, but I kind of strayed from that.

As for your running technique, I'd get fitted for proper running shoes and if you have something like Shoe Dog available to you why not check your stride etc? Personally, I'm not worried about about my form or technique but that might change as I get more serious about racing. I've never had a problem other than the couple weeks when my knee was stiff. Since I started warming up and stretching before runs then cooling down and stretching afterwards its been fine.

Elle asked: Morning workouts are such a good idea time-wise, but they make me so exhausted. Most people don't feel that way, right? How do you stay energized for the workout and through the day?

It all boils down to getting enough sleep. I have to go to bed (and actually fall asleep) a few hours earlier in order to be functional at 5:30am. If I'm dying I'll drink a coffee before a workout for an extra boost of energy. The warm-up part of my run (jumping jacks, marching in place etc) also helps wake me up.

Skinny Vegan Food asked: Do you have any idea how to stop your boobs hurting when you run? I tried to get into it but had to stop at about the half hour mark because I would bleed so badly. I need to drop muscle (seemingly impossible for me) but I can't run for long enough to make it possible... any ideas?

I've found if you have big boobs only highly structured/sturdy sports bras, sized like a regular bra (band and cup size NOT small, med, large) work. Everything else is just an epic fail. My personal favourites are the tata tamer by lululemon and some of Nikes older sports bras (not on their website).

Sometimes I get chaffing/bleeding where the bra band hits my body under my boobs and massive band aids seems to help. Some people use lube/Vaseline to help with chaffing/bleeding (nipples) but I haven't encountered that problem so far. I find super snug fitting bras help with chaffing & bouncing.

As for the ability to run long distances, it all comes with time. You just have to keep increasing your mileage gradually until you're where you want to be. Maybe once you reach your running limit stop and walk for a bit then do the walk/run thing, over the weeks gradually shorten the amount of time you spend walking. Or once you reach your running limit make yourself go for just 30 seconds longer and every few days keep adding 30 seconds or a minute onto your run time.

Some of you have asked about heart rate monitors, I don't have one but after reading many reviews on sport watches I've decided to get a GARMIN from the 300 series. I need something that has GPS and does a million other running related things. Not sure if I'll get it for this race or wait until I start training for a fall marathon.

Hope that answered your questions :)

Week 17 Workout Summary (May 1-7, 2011):

Sunday: Rest Day

Monday: Outdoor run, 13.46 miles, 2 hours

Tuesday: 2.72 miles on treadmill, 23:30 minutes. Difficult Leg & core workout, 1 hour

Wednesday: 45 minute outdoor morning run

Thursday: Rest Day

Friday: 13.53 outdoor run, 2 hour 3 minutes. 2 mile walk untimed. Worst.Run.Ever. It was so hot and I needed water but didn't have any, I tried a new sports gel (disgusting) which made me feel sick and I got cramps. I ran past someones moldy couch on the curbside and I wanted to collapse and pass out on it. Somehow I managed to keep moving. I may have to crack and get some sort of water pack contraption because the heat is killing me.

Saturday: elliptical fat-burn program, HR 125. 1 hour 20 minutes. Core, chest & back workout (feeling it today!)

Weight:+3 pounds and yes, I'm freaking out. I don't know whats going on. I suspect its because I'm not purging and my body is adjusting. Or maybe I'm building muscle? Lets not talk about it because it depresses me. Once the race is over it's got to go.

You know you live in the country when... you see this on your run

I'm really struggling to get that 6th day or working out in. I'm not sure why that is. This weeks goal is to actually work out 6 days and to do 2 separate hour long runs on the treadmill above marathon pace.

~ Harlow

I couldn't just leave you guys with a cow manure picture so here's something else from my run, a trillium in bloom.

It's illegal to pick these

A letter for anonymous kelly

2011-05-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

A little while back Anon Kelly left a comment that I wanted to respond to. My apologies that this took so long, I'm a little behind on my emails and commenting.

Dear Kelly,

I didn't fall asleep reading your comment in fact quite the opposite, I've been thinking about my response on and off since then :) It makes me feel a little less lonely knowing someone else can relate to what I've written.Thanks for taking the time to go through the archives, I appreciate when someone does that because god knows there's a lot of stuff buried in there but it does paint an accurate picture of who I am.

The things that you mentioned; the ana/mia cycle, the damage/physical affects of ed, missing fun stuff with friends and family because it involves dealing with food, I've been there and it really does suck. Don't beat yourself up because you can't just "snap out of it", its not easy to change your thoughts and habits on your own, especially when you might not recognize what exactly the ed part of your thoughts are. My counsellor is constantly saying "that's your ed talking" but to me, it's just how I think and view myself and never think of it as abnormal.

Like you, I don't know how much longer mentally and physically I can go through this cycle. It starts the same (feeling fat and the losing weight) and ends the same (depressed and suicidal) and has occurred on and off at various times in my life and I'm sick of it. I want to be free and enjoy everything other people take for granted. I want to stop losing sleep because I'm worrying over the number on the scale. I want to do meaningful things instead of wasting my life agonizing over whether or not I can safely eat a bagel. I don't want my personality and spark to disappear because I'm consumed by all of this.

I don't write about what's going on in my head much these days, mainly because I want to focus on things that bring me joy (like running) and because I feel like a broken record, its all in the archives.
This week my counsellor recommended/told me to get a referral to outpatient treatment instead of putting it off and although I don't feel like I'm that bad (right now) I recognize I can't fix this on my own. In order to be happy I have to get help. My family doctors method of prescribing "happy pills" to reduce the obsessive thoughts (about food and weight) just doesn't work long term. Since I'm pretty much fed up I'm willing to try something new, as frightening as it might be.

In real life pretty much no one knows about my eating disordered ways, or if they suspect something is amiss once I put on weight or eat in front of them their fear is alleviated... but I'm pretty sure no one suspects anything. Sadly, strangers on the Internet know more about me than anyone else. I have a hard time trusting people and letting people in. Even my sister, someone I'm so close too was shocked by my st patty's day meltdown because I (apparently) come across as a confident, secure person. How I look on the outside doesn't match what's going on inside and people are fooled I suppose.

That and I hide the disorder and my habits, VERY WELL. There have been a couple times through out my life when people have suspected I had a problem (best friends mom, a high school friend, my ex) but because I keep my crazy-potentially-not-normal thoughts to myself, I physically look healthy until I hit the underweight category (I'm a pear/hourglass shape) and I use other (less obvious) methods of purging besides vomiting, no one worries about me. Or if they do its not obvious.

Basically what I'm trying to say is I'm glad you understand because I understand what you're talking about. I hope that helped.

To answer your questions and onto my favourite topic, RUNNING! the best advice I can think of for motivation is:

- start small and build up your endurance and don't worry about not being able to do a whole lot, everyone starts out in the same place, slow and sore!

- find something you like to do, sports, dance, fitness class, biking because if its something you like your more likely to stick to it

- register for an event. I find its easier to motivate myself if I know I'm working towards something other than weight loss

- find a running/gym buddy. I miss having a gym buddy, it really does make working out more fun.

I wrote a short post Working Out: How To Motivate Yourself awhile back as well.

Good luck with the running, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

All the best,

Harlow

Um, my mom just blew my mind!

2011-05-04T09:00:00.001-07:00

My mom is going to Ottawa at the end of the month to watch me race.
I know.

What the hell!?!?!!

On Easter weekend my aunt asked me a lot questions about my training and weight loss when randomly my mom asked about the date of the race. I thought nothing of it. Until last night when I stopped by my mom's to pick up some mary kay (their under eye firming creme is amazing) and she told me she was coming to watch me run.

What?

She had printed off almost the entire Ottawa City Marathon website and asked me questions non stop. My mom NEVER takes an interest in my activities. Like ever. Its always my sister that hold her attention. As my bro said at Christmas my sister is the favourite, he comes next... Then there's me. Usually any conversation that has something to do with me my mom will turn it into a conversation about my sister and how great she is at whatever. Which is understandable because my sister is better than me at pretty much everything except running!! I'm the only runner in my entire family, both immediate and extended and my sister hates exercise so I don't see her becoming a runner anytime soon.

I'm 99.9% sure my mom is interested in the race because its something she can brag about to other people. I don't care what her motive is, I'm just happy she's taking an interest in something I'm doing!

Which means I better not screw this up. I absolutely CANNOT screw this up. Based on my training so far I think its reasonable to predict I should finish the marathon in just under 4 hours. I can and will finish this race. YEAH!
On the flip side my boyfriend isn't running the race, his knee is still f'd up. Instead he gets to watch the race with my crazy mom. Ummm that's punishment enough for not training properly. Lol.

~ Harlow

Still on track with this weeks goal of working out 6 days, with the goal (on top of running) of getting my abs/love handles into shape. I HATE running in the heat and I need the option of running in a sports bra on race day if its sweltering. I'd like to be somewhat comfortable with my mid section in order to do that.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Week 16 Workout Summary: Rest Week and Some Drama

2011-05-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

I've learned that I'm going to have to taper off my running and do other forms of exercise a couple weeks before the race - 25 days left! I had a lot of unplanned rest days last week, which always make me anxious and stressed out because I feel lazy and in the back of my mind I worry about gaining weight. During my attempts to exercise on those rest days, my brain was screaming 'move dammit move' to my legs, my legs would not cooperate. I ended up sleeping a ridiculous amount instead and have had great workouts since then. Especially yesterdays 13.5 miler (2 hours) which surprised me. I smoked close to a whole pack of cigarettes Saturday night (my friend brought me some ciggies from Thailand) and I thought my next run would be painful. Thank sweet baby J it wasn't, but no more social smoking.

Week 16 Workout Summary (April 24 - May 1)

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday: Rest Days

Wednesday: 30 minute outdoor walk

Thursday: morning run 46 minutes outdoors. 15 minute outdoor walk. GYM: 15 min stair climber, 2.5 miles on treadmill (21 minutes) core workout

Friday: morning run 7.5 miles, 1 hour 6 minutes. gym: 3 miles on treadmill, 24:30 minutes. full body split (weights)

Saturday: 7.5 mile outdoor run, 1 hour 8 minutes

Weight: stuck around 135 ugh.

This weeks goal is to workout 6 days.

My trip to the city was good, although there was some drama Saturday night. Condensed version:

My bf and I were at a party having fun, when he got a call from the police. They had his sister who was at her house drunk and hysterical, they wanted to drop her off somewhere where she could calm down. Her roommates had called in some sort of domestic disturbance, his sister and her bf were fighting (surprise surprise - they are constantly breaking up and getting back together) and SHE hit him or did something to him apparently. When the police dropped off his sis my bf took her for a walk, clearly not impressed and basically told her to tone down the crazy. When they came inside and she kinda just sat on the couch super wasted while everyone else socialized. This is not the first time she's called him completely hammered and hysterical over her bf sooooo I'm kind of frustrated. I hate when people can't handle their booze and get out of control and then they become your responsibility. Despite that incident (which happened near the end of the night) I had a good time.

Sunday I had some mild edema, I haven't had that in forever and it frightened me because I don't know what could have caused it. It's gone today but still. It worries me.

~ Harlow

On my trip I may have spent my entire clothing budget on one item. Ooops!

and

to answer MLM question on my last post, those boots (and all of the pictures) are from Threadsence.

GYM TIME!

Running, Recovery, Restoring Happiness. Oh and some hippie fashion.

2011-04-30T06:42:00.000-07:00

This running before work thing is really working for me! Granted, it's only been 2 days (7.5 miles yesterday morning) but still! On top of getting the majority of my cardio for the day done, its a really good way to condition myself for the end of the marathon. I'm running in a fasted state (no food before or sports gels) and I'm forcing myself to run at the same pace when my legs get heavy and tired, much like imagine the last 6 or 7 miles of the marathon will feel. Painful.

I find hitting the gym less daunting because I know I won't be there for long just a short run, then weights and I'm outta there! I started doing full body splits for weight training so that I don't over or under train certain muscle groups since these days running always takes priority.

My next counselling session is on Monday, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm proud to say I've been mia free for 2 weeks and have been somewhat successful at eating smaller meals (breakfast too even!) regularly throughout the day, a habit most people take for granted and one I never learned. My sister and I had a conversation recently about all the bizarre rules about food we had as kids, not knowing they weren't normal until we visited our friends houses. For part of my childhood we were dirt poor, eating the same thing everyday, no treats like ice cream or cookies because my parents could barely afford to feed us. As my dads career progressed and my mom eventually started working again we had more money.

and

That meant more food but it didn't.

My mom kept her own cupboard of junk food stocked with different flavours of Doritos, snickers bars, all sorts of chocolate and lots and lots of gum and slimfast. We didn't have a junk food cupboard and couldn't touch moms stash. Heaven help you if you thought you could sneak something without her noticing. That cupboard remained soley my mothers.

The food in the fridge and other cupboards was for us, sometimes. My mom would snap whenever she felt like it if you ate the wrong thing, but you never knew you had eaten the wrong thing until it was too late! Basically the wrong thing could be anything and because you had to eat you just took a chance. Most days there were no problems but if my mom was in a bad mood or having a bad week then she'd blow up over the food you weren't "suppose" to eat.

Over time we all formed strange habits. My brother always ate fast food. My sister always ate boiled potatoes. Not sure if she truly loved them or it was because she could eat as many as she wanted without getting in trouble (when you have a huge sack of potatoes, its hard to know when some are missing). I learned the habit of binging. Whenever there was an event; church potluck, birthday party, whatever, I would eat plate after plate of yummy food. Which didn't start affecting me until I became a teenager (I was a skinny, skinny child, and I hated it at the time) and then it became a problem and I started "dieting" here we are today.

On top of all that food rule nonsense my mom would constantly be weighing herself, berating her fat, her body shape, other peoples weight and body shape, praising skinniness. She'd go on extreme diets (we always had diet plans posted on our fridge), we have dinner she'd have cabbage soup, then eat bags of Doritos later. Certain foods were good, certain foods were bad. It was a really strange way to live and only got worse as we grew up!!

But

the good news is, I'm working on forming healthier habits and I noticed over Easter my moms craziness about food doesn't affect me as much. Although I can't help but attribute these changes to my looming race new habits are justified because it's all a part of training properly. I'm a wee bit nervous that once the race is over panic mode will set in and I'll revert back to my old ways. My summer body is about 10 pounds lighter than where I am now and I'm struggling to be ok (but I don't think I ever will be) with the current size of my thighs. That stupid 10 pounds makes all the difference!

Also I think I'm delusional because part of me believes that if I can master eating small regular healthy meals, stop b/p'ing and change up my exercise routine I'll still be able to lose weight. Regular people do this all the time right? In theory it should work. Right? oh wait, I forgot I'm not happy with my natural body weight/set point. I looked through old pictures from last summer last night. I want my old body back so badly, but I don't want to be where I was mentally. It sucked. I'll keep doing what I'm doing now and see where it takes me because I like being happy and hopefully therapy can change my outlook...

~ Harlow

I'm off for a run shortly then the bf and I are headed to the city to visit friends. Yay! I must stay within my shopping budget, I'm looking for a couple of pieces inspiried by these images; colourful, unique and free spirited.

I LOVE these boots. I may have to break down and order them online (I don't like to shop online in general)

Early Mornings, Waking Up At 5am

2011-04-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

In theory when summer arrives it should be easier to fit in physical activity, the days are longer, the ice and snow are gone, the weathers decent. The problem lies with that last point, the weathers decent so there are a billion things going on. It's as if Canadians come out of hibernation and begin living again! Which means if I want to do fun stuff (beerfest, bluesfest, Canada's Wonderland, beach etc) I need to get up early and do my workout before everything else. Which means waking up at a god awful hour.

Today was the first day since last summer I did an early morning run. It was short (46 mins) but I got up about 5:45am and did it, no small feat! It was humid and warm out, I noticed it was a lot harder to breath. I hate running in the heat so early morning runs make the most sense. I'll keep setting my alarm clock a bit earlier each day until I'm waking up at at 5am for long runs.

It's the best way to start the day, cardios done (unless its a double workout day) and its so much easier to have a social life. I'm not a morning person so it takawhile to get used to waking up so early - but its better than missing out on things.

The bf's been running more over the past few weeks but his knee's acting up. He's getting a knee brace tomorrow to see if it makes a difference. Remember how he was interviewing for a new job in the city? Well he got it, but they don't want him to start for another few months. Without going into detail as to why (involves staffing another territory first) we are waiting... Blah. Its a small Canadian company and my bf really wants to work for them but it makes me extremely nervous how laid back they are. I guess we'll have to wait just a little bit longer to move.

~Harlow

I love running but part of me will be glad when the marathon's over. I want to go back to running for fun and doing other stuff (rollerblading and biking) for exercise instead of knowing I should be running X amount of miles a week. I have pretty much broken up with the gym, we spend minimal time together. When I was there last week I couldn't stand it - I need to be outside!!!

Nicole Richie, Turning Over A New Leaf?

2011-04-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

Whether or not you'll admit it, everyone has at least one celebrity who interests them. There are very few people in the spotlight who capture my attention, but Nicole Richie has. Contrary to what you might think it's not because she lost a ton of weight and became uber skinny, it was actually her crazy antics on The Simple Life. I thought she was insane, she reminded me of my crazy, crazy over the top high school friends and I liked her.

The Simple Life Days

Not only that, she was one of the few people on television I could somewhat identify with looks wise. She had unique features, brown skin, what appeared to be naturally wavy hair which she dyed and straitened, and she wasn't a bean pole.

Over time she became famous not only for her crazy antics but for 'dropping weight' and her fashion sense, both attributed to Rachel Zoe's influence.

I agree she must have been influenced to some degree by Rachel Zoe but she seems to have broken free and come into her own. I'm a big fan of individuality and creativity and she's one of the few celebrities who seems to have her own unique and distinct style, even while pregnant!

Since she's well known for her weight loss/eating disorder, wild side and crazy antics, I was surprised to come across this video of her speaking out against atrocities occurring in the Congo. It's interesting the various paths reality TV stars take, not many can transition into a lasting career, let alone use their fame to try and make changes in the world.

~ Harlow

The Transformation of Kate Middleton?

2011-04-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

The other day while cleaning I caught a show on the upcoming royal wedding. Always one who liked fairy tales I've become quite curious about all things William and Kate. I never payed much attention to the couple until recently when the media became obsessed with them. I was surprised when the show I was watching claimed that Kate was growing alarmingly skinny and made comparisons to Princess Diana's bulimia.

Curious I googled Kate Middleton and it appears as if she had lost some weight since her University days, but it couldn't have been that much! Unlike other celebrities who's weight loss is quite obvious I don't think hers is drastic as the media is making it out to be.

In recent photos she looks good, thin and healthy not sickly or frail.

I guess I don't get what the big deal is. If she wants to drop a few pounds why does the media have to make a huge deal out of it? It looks like she just lost some muscle mass, she's not a walking skeleton.

EDIT: Article On Kate Middletons Weightloss

Kate Middleton’s pre-royal weight loss: stress, “brideorexia,” or the Dukan Diet?

One topic of royal wedding conversation has been Middleton’s weight and whether she has gotten too thin (too rich is an altogether different matter). According to one report in the British press that I read recently, she weighs 8 stone 8, or 120 pounds (a stone is 14 pounds). Many sources put her height at 5 feet 10 inches. If that weight and height are accurate (granted, a sizable if), then her body-mass index (BMI) is 17.2, which would put the 29-year-old princess-to-be in the underweight category. British newspapers have reported that Middleton has dropped two dress sizes since the engagement was announced in November.

There seem to be three prevailing theories about Middleton’s presumptive weight loss—and two may pertain to many brides (and perhaps a few grooms, too): stress, “brideorexia,” and a new diet.

1) Could it be stress?

The notion that stress could be causing Middleton to lose weight is plausible, though a great deal of research suggests that stress tends to move weight in the opposite direction.

One part of stress is the “fight or flight” response. It includes a surge in adrenaline-like hormones that suppress appetite. Fight-or-flight physiology may also discourage eating because it shunts blood away from the digestive system.

While acute stress may reduce food intake, chronic stress appears to increase it. Studies have shown a correlation between increased stress and excess weight. Stress increases the level of cortisol, a hormone secreted by the adrenal glands. A high level of cortisol has been associated with obesity. And there are some pretty convincing lines of evidence that suggest that high cortisol levels from stress increase the appetites for foods that are fatty and sweet.

Of course, we’re all different. Some people may respond to stress mainly with an appetite-suppressing fight-or-flight response, while others may have a cortisol-driven desire to calm down and eat.

2) Does she have “brideorexia”?

Another theory is that Middleton is trying (perhaps too hard) to lose weight for her wedding.

Who doesn’t want to look good for their wedding, royal or common—and these days, looking good almost always means looking thinner. It’s been noted that in many couples’ lives, no event is as photographed as their wedding. (This may be true for Will and Kate, although unlike the rest of us, they’ve a coronation to look forward to.)

I don’t know about the UK, but on this side of the pond people started turning the desire of brides to look good and lose weight into businesses several years ago. Now there are bridal boot camps, bridal workouts, bridal diet plans, and reality shows based on brides-to-be slimming down to get ready for the big day. The term “brideorexia” was coined to denote the most extreme (and frequently unhealthy) of these wedding-related weight-loss efforts.

Several years ago, a pair of Cornell University researchers reported findings of a study of weight and weddings in the journal Appetite. I spoke to one of them, Jeffrey Sobal, last week.

Their sample consisted of 272 bridal show registrants who filled out questionnaires about six months, on average, before their wedding day. In many ways, the results were just what you’d expect—and not all that alarming.

Most (70%) of the women wanted to lose a lot of weight (23 pounds, on average) and had lost only a fraction of that amount (8 pounds). But their goals were in a healthy range and their methods for reaching them were pretty reasonable: drinking lots of water, aerobic exercise, eating less food, and eating foods with fewer calories.

“I think brideorexia is hyperbole,” Sobal told me. “We didn’t really see it.”

Still, about a quarter of the women in the study who wanted to lose weight did resort to at least one of what Sobal and his colleague, Lori A. Neighbors, termed “extreme behaviors,” such as smoking, taking diet pills, and skipping meals (skipping meals may not be wise but it hardly seems extreme). And 14% took the risky step of buying a wedding dress that was smaller than their current body size.

3) Does the Dukan Diet deserve the credit?

Rumors that Kate Middleton lost weight using a popular diet devised by Pierre Dukan, a French physician, aren’t true, says royal watcher Ingrid Seward. But talk about the Dukan Diet was enough to pique my curiosity, partly because low-carb, high-protein diets have actually fared pretty well in head-to-head studies of weight-loss diets.

I dipped into the English translation of the Dukan Diet that became available in American bookstores just last week. Dr. Pierre Dukan uses a soupçon of science along with many of the tried-and-true techniques of diet books:

a strict first phase that promises quick results (my yellowing copy of the Scarsdale diet promises that you’ll lose a pound a day during the first two-week phase) subsequent phases that are more liberal but are supposed to keep the weight off a mix of flexibility (don’t worry about calories) and rules (no bananas,grapes, or cherries during the consolidation phase)

Dukan recommends consuming 3 tablespoons of oat bran daily and eating only protein one day each week (he suggests Thursdays) for the rest of your life. There are also some charming French touches, such as steak tartare is okay during the initial, all-protein phase, but only if it is prepared without oil.

There is a significant difference between the Dukan, Atkins, and South Beach diets when it comes to fat. Dukan casts dietary fat as the “absolute enemy of anyone trying to be slim,” whereas the other two are more accepting of it.

But overall, you might say about the Dukan Diet plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose (the more things change, the more they stay the same).

Source

Week 15 Workout Summary: Getting Excited For The Big Day

2011-04-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

It's official.

I'm excited for race day! I've been talking about it a lot over the past couple of days and it actually seems real, I'm really going to do this (and possibly die right after I cross the finish line). For whatever reason, in my mind I equate completing this marathon with becoming a real runner. Once I successfully finish I'm allowed to call myself a runner. When my boyfriend surprise me with this the other day,

I happily leafed through it and knew that running was officially my new obsession. I want to know EVERYTHING there is to know about running.

Week 15 Workout Summary (April 17- 23)

Sunday: Outdoor run, 7.5 miles, 1 hour 5 minutes

Monday: Rest Day

Tuesday: Treadmill 10.01 miles, 1 hour 24 minutes. core workout

Wednesday: Rest Day

Thursday: Double workout. Outdoor run, 7.5 miles, 1 hour 5 minutes. Gym. treadmill 8.54 miles, 1 hour 10 minutes. bis & tris workout

Friday: Outdoor run 15.40 miles. 2 hours 22 minutes

Saturday: 20 mins crossramp variety program. 1 hour 20 minutes elliptical manual program heart rate 120-125. core workout

Current weight: FAT

I've noticed that running anything over 9 miles has a huge affect on my hunger levels, which obviously sucks. I'm starving. All.The.Time. Eating this week has been frustrating. Usually I can reign in the bitchiness when hungry, ignore my stomach, but the hunger caused by a 15 mile run turns me into a complete monster, not an attractive quality in a girlfriend. I've caved a few times this week and eaten way more than I had allotted for the day, which makes me feel like a failure. I hate food.

I looked through pictures taken this weekend and I look massive beside my tiny asian friend. I decided once I've run the race then I'll ease up on the running, nothing over 10 miles for a couple months and really focus on intermittent fasting, Rusty's program and losing these last few pounds (to reach 118). Instead on focusing what my body can do (run for almost 4 hours strait) I'll focus on what it looks like, as thin as my frame will allow.

~ Harlow

If you guys haven't stumbled across The Great Fitness Experiment blog, you might want to check it out. The perspective is positive although the author had/struggled with various eating disorders. She writes about many topics from 'Do Boobs Make the Fit Woman [The Controversy Over Breast Implants in Fitness Models]' to 'My Disordered Eating Past' to 'Functional Anorexia' and she manages to infuse her experiences in everything she writes.

How Running (Distance & Speedwork) Has Changed My Body

2011-04-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Holiday weekends are amazing because everyone comes home to visit and there's lots going on. I went to a party and saw people I hadn't seen since last summer. It was entertaining as usual and near the end of the night an acquaintance casually asked me if I worked out. I almost died laughing, how many hours a week do I spend running? I told her yes I'm training for a marathon. She was visibly relieved and said "Good, I was going to hate you if you sat at home and ate big macs all day and looked like that!"

She was completely joking of course but it got me thinking about how much my body has changed since I've switched up the way I work out. I'm really happy I don't have an obvious "gym body" anymore. People constantly used to ask me about the gym/working out because of my muscle definition. I always felt too bulky. Lately I'm indirectly following Rusty's advice on dropping muscle through my marathon training.

Running towards a body like this (but with not so hardcore abs)?

Prior to preparing for this race I did A LOT of weight training, from p90x to circuits and there was absolutely no mistaking that I worked out. Now it's not so obvious (yay), I'm toned but without bulky muscles. I still weight train but its minimal. My bodies changed quite a bit over the last 4 months through running, some good changes, some not so great:

no more cellulite ANYWHERE
leaner all over without overly defined muscles
lost muscle in my upper body (mainly back)
leaner, thinner legs, the space between my thighs is growing
smaller butt (which is a good thing for me!)
larger calves:(
hideous feet, blister, cuts, lost toenails

I keep running not only because I enjoy it, but because the positives outweigh the negatives on the list above. Sometimes when I really don't feel like getting off the couch I force myself to remember my genetics and what awaits me should I decide to become lazy.

Weight problems run on my moms side of the family. My great grandma died of obesity related complications and my family jokes she was so fat she had to be buried in a piano case. My cousin (who's only a few years older than me) is over 300 pounds. He's been in and out of the hospital the past couple of months and has almost lost his leg due to complications stemming from his weight.

A quick observation of my relatives and there is a noticeable difference between the people who exercise and watch what they eat and those that don't. My family doesn't get flabby, they get FAT. The other thing I've observed over the years is exercise is a key part of looking good. A few of my aunts have lost weight (and gained it back) through dieting and end up emaciated pears, tiny on top, huge on the bottom with lots of cellulite. Since we all have similar proto types I know I can't get away with just strict eating.

Once I accepted that due to genetics I'll always have to exercise, its easier to motivate myself, plus I'm competitive and absolutely want to do well in the race. Having a goal to work towards makes me push myself just a little bit harder during my workouts. Now that I'm starting to know first hand the hard work and dedication that goes into preparing for a marathon I can't help but admire runners bodies even more.

~ Harlow

I've started testing out the sports gels and GUs and re-read the chapter Exercise for Lifelong Health in The Thrive Diet where the author breaks down sports specific nutrition. For whatever reason this quote has finally sunk in;

"Performing strenuous exercise regularly without eating a nutrient-rich diet will speed degeneration of cells and the aging process. And if the body is not supplied with the building blocks it needs, a stress response will be triggered, causing cortisol levels to rise and body fat to be stored."

Makes me think of how after while, despite exercising for hours and eating less than 600 calories a day, Crystal Renn started putting on weight. I think Brendan Brazier is onto something...

Dear Dad, I can't be trusted around chips.

2011-04-19T09:01:00.001-07:00

Or pizza for that matter.

My dad had minor surgery last week and he's at home recovering. Yesterday the bf and I went over to visit, I offered to bring food but it was easier to get take out instead.

We arrived to a spread of snacks nachos and dip, chips and candy, my dad possibly the skinniest man on earth thought nothing of eating the junk food. I figured a couple chips wouldn't hurt. Wrong! I don't keep junk food in my house for a reason, I can never have 'just one' of something. Over the course of an hour I slowly demolished a bag of chips. Then the pizza came and yours truly had THREE pieces, and of course my screwed up all or nothing thinking thought, well I've already blown things so I might as well have a piece of pie. The amount of food I ate was ridiculous and gross. I usually consider eating something I shouldn't (like a piece of peanut butter and toast) a binge but this was the true definition of a binge.

At some point during this all this eating I recognised what I was doing (although this wasn't enough to get me to stop from shovelling food in) and on the drive home I thought about why I was so on edge and ate so much. I mean I went to a baby shower on the weekend and didn't have cake or sweets at all just veggies and some crackers, I'm usually ok at turning down junk food.

My discomfort boiled down to socialising with my dads girlfriend. They've been together for about 6 years (my parents separated about 8 years ago due to my mom's mid life crisis --> decimated family --> confused children and spouse) and I've tried really hard to like his gf because I want my dad to be happy. I don't dislike her but I don't like her either if that makes sense. My dad's girlfriend is polite and 'nice' but its as if she wishes he didn't already have a family, and he was exclusively part of her life, free of baggage. My brother and sister have had different experiences with her that lead us all to the same conclusion, she wishes we weren't around.

My dad also puts his girlfriends grand kids before his own which really upsets my sister. Often all of us are excluded from things involving my dad's gf and her family. When we do get together everyone is polite but under the surface lurks hidden feelings and bitterness. I'm often relieved when I get to do things solo with my dad, it's much more relaxed.

On top of that, my sister and dad have a rocky relationship which is 100% my Dad's fault. I try not to get in the middle but I feel guilty that he treats my brother and I differently from my sister.

So I've figured out why I binged but what do I do to prevent it from happening next time???

I know today's a new day and I'm trying to focus on that. I'm slightly disturbed with what I ate last night that I've resorted to fasting/intermittent fasting today to compensate*. I'm not hungry at all which considering what I ate last night makes sense!

On a positive note, all that food last night pretty much made me comatose, I fell asleep at 9pm and didn't wake up once. I'm well rested have tons of energy today plus it's really nice out so it looks like I'll be able to do an outdoor run and then weights at the gym:) I can see how someone who existed on the typical North American diet wouldn't have the energy to exercise, all those carbs completely knock you out.

~ Harlow

For the sake of my sanity I shall be avoiding the scale for a few days.

*depending on how I feel after my workout I might have a small HEALTHY dinner.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Week 14 Workout Summary: GUs & Cliff Shots

2011-04-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

You know you live in a small town when the pub's bartender calls at 11:30 to say if you're not in by midnight he's closing up shop. Despite the copious amounts of booze consumed last night I woke up early this morning and felt great. I caught up on blogs and looked up yoga classes to find an intro to hot yoga class scheduled for noon. As I packed my bag and headed out the door, I couldn't help but laugh at my reflection in the mirror; Uggs, roxy sweatpants, Lululemon top, bag, yoga mat, bedhead hair... I looked like a giant cliché. The only thing missing was a Starbucks coffee.

When I got to the yoga studio, it was closed. I was so confused because the schedule posted on the door said it was suppose to be open. I waited and waited but no one came. I was really annoyed because I drove 45 minutes into town for nothing! I headed over to Lululemon, (because they know everything yoga related going on in town) and asked the girls if they knew whether or not the class had been cancelled. They were confused too because it was suppose to be going on. One girl called the owner, no answer, so who knows. Maybe the teacher slept in? Called in sick? They gave me info for another yoga studio and a free pass so all was not lost. Of course a sale sticker caught my eye and I ended up leaving with these hot yoga shorts, only useful if I can ever make it too a damn class.

Unfortunatey my legs don't look like this in the Hot Class Short

Week 14 Workout Summary (April 10 - 16)

Sunday: Rest Day

Monday: 10 mile outdoor run with bf. Forgot to check time

Tuesday & Wednesday: Rest Days (super busy and exhausted)

Thursday: 7.04 miles on the treadmill, 1 hour. Chest & back workout

Friday: outdoor run, 13.38 miles 2 hours

Saturday: 3 miles, 25 minutes on treadmill. 10 min warm up@ 6.6mph, then 2 min @8.6mph, 3 min @6.6mph, repeat. Near the end I increased speed so I'd hit 3 miles. bis, tris & leg workout

Weight: some where between 135.8 & 129. Weighed on the gym scale yesterday it said 129 (I think it's broken). Home scale said 135.8 so I don't know which ones right, most likely the home scale. I've resigned myself to the fact I probably won't be able to reach my goal weight until after I've run the marathon.

In order to complete the marathon successfully I recognize I'll have to fuel during the race. With the exception of one time where I brought half a bagel torn up (dry bagel+dry throat+running= bad idea) the only thing I have during a run is water. I really, really have trouble eating during exercise, it seems so wrong to me, exercise is for losing weight! The idea of eating during a workout grosses me out. It's a bit of a mental block I have to get over.

This week I picked up a handful of different types of GUs and sports gels, I think mentally the gels will be easier to handle because they aren't food. I'll try them out on my next few long runs (anything over 13 miles) and see how it goes. I'm sure you can imagine how feel about these little baggies of chemicals, this one cracks me up;

Yes, nothing artificial about Sodium Benzoate or Maltodextrin...

What's not artificial about gel in a foil packet?!

~ Harlow

I'm so happy, this week's short because of Easter holidays, only 3 days of work. YES! I plan on using my time off for a couple of long runs. My knee was a bit stiff after today's run, I iced it and hopefully it'll be as good as new tomorrow.

Feeding My Lululemon Addiction, More Running Gear

2011-04-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

It was only a matter of time before my Lululemon addiction reared it's ugly head. Every couple of weeks I'm like hmm, I could pick up a new pair of shorts or something running related. In my mind it's justifiable because I'm slowly replacing my ratty older gym clothes. I'm more motivated to workout when there's something nice to wear sitting in my drawer. Ideally I'd like to have a weeks worth of gym clothes because doing laundry mid-week is a pain. I do try and stretch things out, I'll wear bottoms twice before washing them, yup a little bit gross, but only for running outside not to the gym!

At lululemon I bought the Run:Swiftly Tech LS, which are super comfortable, long and don't ride up while running. I thought they were perfect until I discovered they had no pockets. Where am I suppose to keep my house key and ipod Lululemon? I'm not about to wear an ipod arm ban, no need for any more weird tan lines, guess I'll be sticking my stuff in my bra or getting a fanny pack :s

Lululemon Run: Faster Longer Short

I got another cool racer back tank but since I was feeling very whale-like and fat I bought a size 4, even though all my other ones are 2s. BAD IDEA. Someone made a comment on a previous post about this shirt chaffing the back of their arms, well this happened to me too after a short run. The backs of my arms were raw from the shirt moving around and rubbing. During my chest and back workout and the shirt kept sliding around and gaped open when I bent over. Not pretty. Lesson is: this shirt needs to fit snugly in order to be comfortable.

Lululemon Cool Racerback Tank

I got this old thing, and I love it. It's my new favourite shirt, not going to lie probably going to buy another one in a different colour. It's seriously perfect. The sleeves double as mitts, on my run last night the wind got very cold and I pulled the sleeves over my knuckles and my hands were warm. It also looks really good on, you can't tell by the picture but if you have a long torso this shirt's for you!

Lululemon Run: Swiftly Tech LS

EDIT: Not impressed with the Run: Swiftly Tech LS. I washed it ONCE, (machine wash cold lay flat to dry) and one of the seams is coming unraveled. That is not cool.

EDIT: If you are sweaty or wet from running in the rain the Run: Swiftly Tech LS is a b*tch to get on and off. Sadly this shirt isn't that functional for running.

After spending too much money at Lululemon I wandered into another store and ended up getting a couple of pairs of pants, which never happens! I tried on a pair of size 27 (Silver brand) khakis. Too big. Got the 26. Still loose. Got the 25s. Just right? I didn't want to be one of those people who are like "I'm a size 25, look at me!" When really they squeezed themselves into something way too small and the pants look like they're going to explode. To avoid this I asked the sales girl what pair she thought looked better (without telling her which size I was wearing) and she picked the 25s. I thought this brand might be cut generously in the hips and I was right. At home I tried on a pair of my jeans (size 25) from last summer and they fit, but didn't look great. Too much junk in the trunk, to much thigh. Another 10-15 pounds of weight loss should remedy that problem and I'll be set for summer!

Speaking of weight loss, my office's latest gastric bypass coworker, a hillbilly I constantly want to punch for the things she does and says (like shouting out 'ISYOURHAIRFAKE' in the office then promptly apologising because she realized that might be a rude question) displayed her lack of manners again yesterday. Yes, I get that women check each other out BUT if you're to looking someone up and down repeatedly, obviously, keep staring and you're caught doing it, you could at least smile. It would be way less awkward that way. That didn't happen and instead I feel like a lab specimen in a petri dish. I won't be sad to leave this job. I've worked with intelligent, normal people before, I can't wait to again!

~ Harlow

I have my doubts about my ability to complete the marathon in May but I have serious doubts about my bf finishing it!!! Hes's active but he never wants to run. I'm like you have to run to train for a marathon... but he thinks he'll just power through the pain on race day. I don't know how well that'll work, we did 10 miles together the other day and afterwards, he was in so much pain. All of our friends are betting I'll beat him in the race.

What Do You Do When The Oprah Winfrey Network Emails Your Blog?

2011-04-14T04:24:00.000-07:00

You read the email of course!

On Tuesday I received an email from a member of the Oprah Winfrey Network informing me of the new show Addicted to Food. I was asked to watch the show and then blog my opinion of it. I was hesitant at first, but a few question and answer emails later I decided to watch the first episode and share my thoughts.

Prior to watching the show I had mixed feelings about residential facilities where patients are essentially locked up for care. I worry about the possibility of staff members abusing their power and unfortunately it does occur from time to time. I also don’t believe that one treatment style fits all, there are other approaches out there from the Maudsley Approach to centers like Sheena’s Place that are helpful, it all depends on the individual. Regardless of my personal opinion I hoped the show would be a tool in dispelling myths people hold about eating disorders and help de-stigmatize seeking treatment.

The cast of Addicted to Food Season One

Addicted to Food is a reality tv show that follows 8 people receiving residential treatment for various eating disorders at Shades of Hope, a rural Texas treatment center run by therapist Tennie McCarty. The cast on the show suffer from different eating disorders, yet are treated together because it's believed that compulsive overeating, bulimia and anorexia are the same disease just at different ends of the spectrum. I was surprised by this for many reasons, one of them being that an anorexic/bulimic eating alongside an overweight person might find it extremely triggering. This thought was vocalized by Elizabeth an anorexic-bulimic during one of the first group meals. Personally I found myself really, really disturbed and triggered by watching the overweight people eat, mainly when they showed what they ate prior to arriving at Shades of Hope. I found the compulsive overeating component of the show a bit distracting at first.

My second thought when I started watching the show was that it was geared towards middle-aged over eaters. The cast felt a bit unbalanced as if the bulimic and anorexic-bulimic were added as an after thought. I struggled to relate to the people suffering from compulsive overeating (much like a healthy person might struggle to understand any eating disorder), because my mind didn’t understand how they could eat plate after plate of food and reach the point of obesity. I have a number that my weight absolutely cannot go over and once I start nearing that number I will do anything and everything to not go over. I related to the bulimic and anorexic-bulimic and wanted to know more about them. I wished the show had featured people who often fall between the cracks when seeking treatment, those that don’t fit neatly into the DSM IV’s anorexic or bulimic categories, as many people fall under the EDNOS category.

Although I'm not a huge fan of reality tv and generally prefer story lines that wrap up in an hour, the first episode left me wanting to know more, more about these people's personal lives, how their eating disorder affected their loved ones, how it affected their jobs, friends, daily lives, and if treatment would be successful in breaking old habits. The show had a positive message despite being quite intense; that it is possible to break the addiction and cycle of eating disorders. It did this by presenting the stark reality of food addiction without making the cast seem like freaks.

I searched the Oprah Winfrey Network website and youtube for the second episode, but it looks like I will have to wait for it on cable!

~ Harlow

US residents can watch the first episode here, Non US residents here

Harmless Celebrity Gossip or Malicious? Terrible Tabloids.

2011-04-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

Last week I suspected that Nicole Richie was in the media somewhere because over the span of a couple days I had something ridiculous like 3000 unique page views on my most recent post of her. On the weekend I discovered that she was quoted in People Magazine as saying:

"Contrary to recent speculation, I am not pregnant. This irresponsible reporting continues to feed an atmosphere of self-doubt and insecurity. To publicly point out a change in anyone's body is mean-spirited and cruel. People's bodies change and change again. This is not newsworthy and is a waste of valuable media space that should be used for more important issues."

Ah-ha! This is why people were googling her! I agree with her, and I’ll share a light-bulb moment (progress, yes?) I had awhile back about this topic.

I was standing in the checkout at the drugstore, absentmindedly running over the things I was suppose to buy because I lost the post-it note list somewhere between getting out of the car and entering the store. I was zoned out and blankly stared at a rack of magazines until the cashier paged someone over the intercom. I came to and all I could think was;

“What the hell am I looking at?”

It was one of those moments where you actually focus in on something and see it for what it really is. The magazine cover was a de-humanizing collection of flawed body parts, reinforcing the fact that there was a correct way to look and a wrong way to look. It was the negativity that really bothered me and on the drive home I kept thinking about how terrible tabloids really are! It’s something that never noticed before, I’m more of a Harper's Bazaar kind of girl and generally tend to like/read news on celebrities involved in the fashion industry.

So I took a lesson from the queen (check out her inspiring post of a similar nature) and decided not to buy magazines that pitted celebrity bodies against each other, that dissected people and reduced them to mere body parts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for eating healthy, being fit and in shape, I like thin and I love reading fitness/bodybuilding/muscle magazines that talk about sculpting the body. It’s just I’m choosing to read positive material. In the grand scheme of things it might not make a difference, but it’s a start.

~ Harlow

What I have planned for today; work, shopping for a new pencil skirt, restricting and a whole lotta running later!

Week 13 Workout Summary: It's just been one of those weeks!

2011-04-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

Workout wise, I took things easy this week, my knee was sketchy (but I had no problems on my run yesterday) and I had a cold. I found after 8 hours at work it was a struggle to find the energy to really push myself during my workouts, but I still managed to get 5 days of exercise in.

Workout Summary (April 3 - April 9)

Sunday - 12.44 miles outdoor run 1 hour 52 minutes

Monday - 1 hour elliptical random program level 14 (1st 22 minutes, remaining time level 13), 32 crossramp various program level 13. brief leg workout

Tuesday - 1 hour 32 minutes elliptical fat burning program average heart rate 125. bis/tris/shoulders

Wednesday - Rest Day

Thursday - 3 miles on treadmill incline 2.0, 25 minutes. 1 hour elliptical hill program level 14

Friday - This ended up being a rest day. I had the day off and had planned on going to Bikram, but went back to bed shortly after waking up, I felt like crap and had a funeral to go to in the afternoon.

Saturday - 9 mile outdoor run, 1 hour 15 minutes

Also, I think I can start calling myself a real runner because my feet are starting to show signs of running. Let's just say these feet aren't going to be looking pretty in sandals this summer! I no longer have 10 toenails... super gross.

It's been a busy week, family stuff, nights at the pub, movies, birthday parties, a reminder of what it's going to be like during the summer. I really have to schedule and stick to my workout routine or else I get caught up in all the social events and start slacking... then end up out of shape and flabby.

The other thing that accompanies summer is that people's bodies are on display, and it's socially acceptable to comment on them. I try not to let comments positive or negative affect me (I try) but it makes me acutely aware of how much other people notice my appearance... especially when strangers make comments.

I've had a really bad week with mia, not out of control, but almost there. I hate that people notice how much/little/what I eat. I was at an family thing and my bf's grandfather (nicest man in the world, not creepy at all) commented how I needed to eat something but I must not eat much because I maintained such a lovely figure. Then my bf's mom chimed in not to worry I always ate, ate a lot at that, yet managed to stay slim. Ahhh yes the phrase every bulimic loves to hear, how we can eat so much yet stay so slim (sarcasm). I'm not sure how to deal with this, my bf's mom always comments and jokes about how much I can eat and stay so slim and I HATE IT. SO MUCH. I know she means no harm at all and I can't really say anything without alerting her to the fact that I may have a problem. It's really distressing to have someone commenting on what you eat every time you see them. Last summer it was because I was so thin and never ate enough, now it's that I eat a lot. I feel like I can't win.

Anyways this week is done, I've gotten a lot out of my system and I'm ready for a fresh start. I've got to schedule some more counselling sessions, I've been putting it off and it's clearly not doing me any good.

~ Harlow

Do people make comments on your appearance/body size/certain body parts good or bad, or what you eat? What do they say and how do you deal with it? I imagine this type of thing happens to everyone, I'm just wondering how other people handle it.

Le Sigh. Out of Context? An Anonymous Comment.

2011-04-07T04:24:00.000-07:00

The downside of writing a blog, or authoring any website really, is that when people find your site through a google search they don't often get the whole picture. They might read a handful of posts and depending on what they view form an impression (positive or negative) and leave anonymous comments accordingly. That happened to be the case with last night's post. If you haven't been reading for awhile then you've missed the gradual transition that's occurring in my thought patterns and belief system.

Here's the quote (left on another post that garners a lot of emotional anonymous comments) that got me thinking:

Anonymous said...

This site is absolutely disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourselves! To 'live to be model thin' is an atrocity and unless your weight naturally falls in the 'model thin' (as you call it) range, NO ONE should be concerned with attaining this goal. Go see a shrink, a nutritionist, and a trainer and THAT is what health is -- Body, mind and soul -- Living to wear certain types of clothes is a meager existence and your worth more than clothes! Clothes don't make the person...the person make the clothes! Its the way you carry yourself! Have confidence

Since the point of last night's post seems to be missed, let me break it down for you.

The title is taken from Lady Gaga's song 'Fashion' and it's fitting in so many ways. Lady Gaga's weight/body is often subject to speculation, "How does she stay thin?", "Does she have an eating disorder?", "Was she joking when she said she starved to stay thin?". Nobody really seems to know what goes on inside the Lady Gaga machine. She's the face for extreme and avante guarde fashion (let it be known I cannot stand her style but I respect the woman), known for pushing the boundaries. The post was about fashion, size, and body image, it was meant to make you question what you believe to be true.

The last quote and the title clash, purposely. Basically if you live to be model thin (which, when you have an ed is not living but rather suffering immensely), then how can ignore the whispering voice within?

The quotes from Crystal Renn's book are NOT about losing weight. They're talking about making a statement about yourself through clothing. I suppose I could have chosen photos that featured real or plus sized women to make things positive, but that would have been fake. I chose to use photos from fashion blogs I read daily and love, feature pictures of bloggers who have both amazing personal style and character.

I find it fascinating how one picture can mean so many different things depending on the person looking at it. Everyone viewed those photos in a different context, framed them according to their experiences and saw what they wanted to see.

About this site being absolutely disgusting maybe it is, maybe it isn't. It all depends on how you look at things.

I'll tell you this, this blog is my online diary, all the things I think and feel that I'm not allowed to express (without repercussion) in my real life. Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's sad. Just like a read human being. Many people come here because I don't judge them and we can talk about stuff that many 'strait' bloggers don't talk about and can't relate to.

The one thing, hands down, that has made a difference in my thinking is when I come across a blogger who I could relate too who entered recovery and changed their way of thinking*. That's what's caused me to get enough courage to try and navigate this ridiculous medical system that's suppose to help people. Maybe one day I can be that person who gives hope to someone.

In the meantime I'll keep doing what I'm doing until I'm ready to archive my posts, come out of the blogging closet and can say I'm 100% confident in me, I'm healthy and happy.

Be confident? If only it were that easy.

~ Harlow

*To new readers, I'm in a pretty decent spot right now and working on staying there (unlike Crystal Renn I can't do things on my own, I need help). If you read earlier posts, which I don't recommend because many are sad and depressing and don't accurately reflect who I am now, you'll notice a gradual shift in how I've changed. My goal now is to be happy, healthy and fit :)

I live, to be model thin. Dress me, I'm your mannequin. Fashion & Quotes

2011-04-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

"Here's what I love about fashion: It's art we can all be a part of. Not many of us can own a Picasso, but we can all treat ourselves to clothing that turns the body into a work of art. And this absolutely does not have to cost a ton of money. I love vintage and cast-off finds as well as designer stuff. Someone can spend three thousand dollars on an outfit and look silly, and someone else can put together a masterpiece at Goodwill."

"Clothes are stories."

"People who love clothes are like people with eating disorders; we can sense our own kind."

"An outfit can tell the world you're a force to be reckoned with, that you're playful, that you're sexy. Fashion is semaphore. It's fun, but it's also a form of communication. I don't agree when people say, "Fashion's unimportant." You may not care about it, which is your prerogative, but your clothes are still sending a message about your values and beliefs, whether you choose to take control of this message or not."

"Wear what you love, and you'll look comfortable and appealing. But your clothes should fit. I don't think anyone is flattered by fabric so shapeless it hangs, or by clothing so tight it cuts off their circulation (yet the wearer refuses to go up a size because that would hurt his or her self esteem). Being able to move without splitting a seam is good for self-esteem."

All of the quotes are from Crystal Renn's book, Hungry. Although I don't necessarily agree with all of her thoughts and theories mentioned in the book, I do think she's on the right track. I'll always be athletically inclined and I think I'd be completely miserable if I didn't run or work out. But the book was so uplifting, so hopeful, it gave me a lot to think about. It's a lot of work to change how your mind operates, but perhaps it's a step in the right direction to leading a happy life.

"One fact is a constant: Self-acceptance is a choice. You live in your body every day, and I live in mine. Some days it's difficult to live in my body, as I imagine it's difficult to live in yours. I used to hear a voice in my head ever day telling me to obsess about my thighs. The voice is still there, but now it whispers instead of screams. I told the voice I wouldn't listen to it anymore. I told the voice I refuse to let you win."

~ Harlow

EDIT: I came across this post speculating that Crystal's possibly relapsed. I hope not, but she never recieved treatment for the underlying causes of her ed...

Crystal Renn's Book, Hungry

2011-04-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

People, I swear the universe doesn't want me to do any healthy baking. I went to the health food store right after work to pick up buckwheat flour and of course it was closed. @#&*. It's opened till 8 on Thursday and Friday and I WILL get that damn flour! I'm stubborn and not easily deterred, so I'll win. I can see how eating healthy/getting healthy food could be difficult for since it's not very accessible.

Last night was a fat burning (booorrrring) cardio day so I stopped by Indigo to get a book. I'm so over my music, I'm going to have to look into podcasts or something. I planned on getting a Kurt Cobain biography (which I did), but I remembered skel's post on the Crystal Renn book Hungry and wouldn't you know the hardcover was on sale for $2! I'm a sucker for bargain.

Best thing about hardcover books? Removing
the cover so no one can tell what I'm reading!

A little over half way through (you can get a lot of reading done when your trapped on the elliptical for an hour and a half) and it's sucked me right in. I completely forgot I was at the gym. Within the first couple of pages I was drawn to Renn, possibly because I could see myself in her. Aren't we all drawn to people that we resonate with? She's such a likable person, her anecdotes of her childhood and growing up in small town back country are humours and endearing.

This book is much more modern than Portia de Rossi's book (mentioned in this post*) which might not be a result of when the events in the book take place, but how much time had lapsed since the author suffered from anorexia. Renn's book is hilariously insightful and has an almost sociological/psychological feel to it when she talks about the unwritten rules of high school culture and then later on her analysis the fashion industry and the role media plays in eating disorders. Portia's book was quite dark, which is not just because of her struggle with anorexia but because of the difficulty she had in accepting she was gay and coming out of the closet in a world that is still largely homophobic. I preferred Hungry to Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain largely because it isn't as dark and I was able to connect to most of Crystal's experiences.

In Hungry this quote really stood out to me:

"I wore my hip bones like a trophy. At night, in bed, I'd hold them as if they were the handles of a loving cup. I was proud that not all skinny models had that kind of sharp definition. Now I realize it's because those girls' bodies are meant to be thin."
Logically I know this is so true! Yet I can't seem to accept the fact that my hips are a mile wide and I'm suppose to have curves. I keep trying to beat my body into submission so that I can have that elusive thigh gap. I dog eared that page and hopefully rereading that quote will make reality sink in... Like I said I'm only half way through the book.

In other news my knee is feeling much better (thank you for your kind words), but my whole body is stiff like a geriatric's. So I'm doing Bikram this week (That's for you Lady B!) either tonight or tomorrow, whenever my friend V can make it. Also my gym is building a hot yoga studio upstairs! How exciting :)

~ Harlow

*When I re-read the post that mentions Portia's book I realized how much my outlook and frame of mind has changed. Perhaps it's because my body is sitting at a weight I'm more comfortable with or any number of reasons, I'm much happier now than when I wrote that post.

Also, in Portia's book she always talked about running around in these damn platform black boots that sounded ugly and ridiculous, she wore these boots throughout the entire book and it drove me mad!

Tuesday Morning Randomosity AKA Information Overload!

2011-04-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

, fashion- Attention All Runners! RoseRunner is witty, non-boring blogger, who loves celebrities, is down to earth and has the superhuman ability to do long runs (18+ miles) on a regular basis, just for fun and sometimes on the treadmill. I read her blog for motivation and inspiration!

- I managed to do an hour and a half of intense cardio (plus legs) at the gym last night, no small feat because it felt like a sauna, yuck.

- My left knee is being super sketch the past couple of days. Not painful just stiff and a bit swollen. I iced it and it feels pretty good today. I’m itching to run, but the responsible part of my brain thinks today should be another cross training day.

- If you find yourself being lazy lately and taking a few to many rest days, read this post, for a little tough love that'll get you back on track.

- I did a happy dance this morning when my weight was down. 134.2, YES! I promise I won't post any more "progression" photos until I hit 128, that way there will actually be some progress!

- I’m not big on labels but if I was forced to define my philosophy towards weight and weight loss it would be this; I like thin, but not bones and I’m pro healthy eating and exercising to find what works for you. I think anyone who’s out of shape and eating garbage is going to feel like garbage, and unless you are one of those lucky genetically gifted few you’re probably not going to look so hot either! I’m just trying to figure out what works best for me and this year it seems to be super slow weight loss.

- The picture below makes me incredibly happy for 2 reasons. 1) I love seeing stylish ladies rocking vintage fur and their own individual style. 2) It's almost vintage fur hunting season! Yes vintage fur does have a season! Around spring cleaning time many an expensive and beautiful coat are donated to the Salvation Army and this is the time of year to pick up treasures for mere pennies.

- Today is the 17 anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death. My memories of him are fading, it’s time to re-read some biographies about his life. I never want to forget him. Yes I know this makes me sound like a crazed stalker/fan,but I think we all have one person whether we know them personally or just their public persona that speaks to us. Celebrity used to be different back in the day, nonsense like Mylie Cyrus was minimal. People were real, music was real. Kurt Cobain was real, someone haunting, troubled and oddly relatable.

- I’m meeting my crazy, crazy friend for lunch today. She just got back from her 5^th tour serving overseas. She’s been crazy since the first day I met her in art class when she dunked her hands in paint and chased me around the school. She also loves to drink and will most likely be hammered when I meet her at noon.

Harlow

Thanks to your makeup suggestions and a few sessions at my friend's tanning salon I once again feel human :) THANK YOU!

EDIT: Sometimes I feel guilty for liking vintage fur, it’s such a controversial topic. I get the argument that wearing fur, even if it’s vintage creates a market and demand for it. On the flip side it seems so horribly wasteful to send perfectly good clothing to a landfill. I’ve noticed this year that natural materials like fur, leather and wool are much warmer in the Canadian winter than synthetic fabrics, which is an important factor in winter coats. I came across this article today that had a really good point about ethical fashion; people should be concerned about the human ethics of the clothes they’re wearing and the conditions they were produced in not just the animal welfare aspect. I respected the stance of the author and he had some really valid arguments.

Week 12 Workout Summary: Do you strike those years from the record? or do you take em face to face?

2011-04-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday during my run (14.44 miles) I felt the strangest thing near the end. Something I'd never felt before in all my years of running. My legs hurt. Not the uh-oh I just sprained something or the heat flush you get when doing HIIT, my legs were tired and just plain hurt. Is this how other people feel when they run? If that's the case I can see why people would hate doing it! I stretched for what felt like years when I got home, the result was I wasn't sore at all on my run today.

The title of this post is a line from my favourite Arkell's song, Pullin Punches. It's quite fitting for analyzing this week. I can either brush everything under the rug and shrug it off as laziness or I can figure out why I self sabotaged so that hopefully it won't happen again. I love working out and eating healthy food, but for 3 strait days I did neither. I had no idea why I was doing this. Until I read this post (thank you so much Victoria) and put 2 and 2 together to figure out I wasn't dealing with stuff. So Friday night instead of falling asleep I laid awake in bed thinking and finally figured out what was bothering me;

1) Ever since I've returned home from visiting my niece and nephew people keep asking when I'm having kids. I'm so tired of people telling me I need to have kids because I'm getting old! ffs, I'm not even 30. My bf and I would like to have kids (I'm pretty sure but I'm not always 100% sure) in 5 years or so but not now. There are so many things I want to do (like travel) that just aren't possible when you have a family to look after. Living in a small town its normal to be married by 25 with a bunch of kids. Frig a lot of people I know are getting divorced by 28... Yet that's what people here do. I know it won't be a big deal when I move, the mentality is different in large cities, so I just need to tough it out and accept that it's ok to not be a baby machine right now.

2) I hate my job. Every single thing about it. I need a new job and have started looking for one. I've accepted its ok to hate my job but I can't sit and complain I've got to do something about it.

After acknowledging those 2 things the next day I was back to my usual self.

Week 12 Workout Summary (March 27- April 2)

Sunday - 1 hour and 40 minute outdoor trail run

Monday - Rest Day (busy on last day of vacation)

Tuesday - 1 hour 23 minute outdoor hill run

Wednesday/Thursday/Friday - Rest Days

Saturday - 2 hours 12 minutes outdoor run, 14.44 miles

Last Weeks Weight: 135.8
This Weeks Weight: 137.4 I really can't be surprised given I was lazy, overate and it's that time of month.

There's not much difference between today's pictures and these ones taken a few weeks ago, but hopefully in a few months there will be.

photo removed

This week my main goal is to fuel properly for long runs. Usually I run or workout in fasted state. Meaning I wake up, have a coffee and some water then do my workout. I've always done this mainly because I've never been a breakfast eater. At best I can choke down some fruit and occasionally cereal but even that's a struggle. I have lots of energy during a workout, that's never been a problem, but for a long run (14+ miles) I need to figure out at what point I should have a bit of bagel or what ever so that I can make it to 26.2 miles without collapsing on the side of the road. It's really hard because I want to lose weight so badly, yet I want to succeed at completing the marathon. It boils down to what do I want more right now? Lose weight and have a crappy time training or maintain/lose slowly and do well on race day? Right now the marathon is winning.

In other news on my run today it sunk in I'm really back home because these are the types of animals I saw:

No deer sightings or cool trails to run on, just miles and miles of farmer's fields. Time to catch up on your blogs :)

~ Harlow

Also went to town today to get ingredients and wouldn't you know the health food store is closed on Sundays! Of the 3 other grocery stores I went to, none of them carried buckwheat flour. Looks like I'm baking tomorrow...

I’ve Created A Monster. Help!

2011-04-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

I’m afraid all of the progress I made in the art of disciplined eating has come undone by indulging on vacation. I officially have a sugar addiction that must be broken. Yesterday I had planned on doing a fast/detox, but I’ve been out of the game so long that by the time I got home I was grumpy, hungry and decided to eat dinner. If I had left things at a veggie burger (no bun), couscous with vegetables that would have been fine. But for some reason, I had to have a piece of pie which meant my daily total was WAY too many calories. Maybe the best way to handle this sugar addiction is to do some ‘healthy’ baking on the weekend, quinoa muffins & carob chip cookies so if I cave and eat something sweet it won’t be completely terrible.

I keep reminding myself now is the time to buckle down because summer is a couple of months away and the last 10-15 pounds is always the hardest to lose. Every calorie counts, every bit of exercise matters. I’ve started waking up 15 minutes earlier to get used to waking up at the crack of dawn to run before work (double workouts yeah!), next week I’ll wake up half and hour earlier until I’m slowly conditioned to being awake at the ungodly hour of 5:30am.

Despites last night's fail there is a definite change in my body and for once I could actually see it. I noticed the changes in the unforgiving 3-way mirror at Lululemon last night. I picked up another Ta Ta Tamer bra, which I desperately needed so now I have 2, enough to get by. While on vacation I used a cross ramp in front of a mirror and happened to be wearing an old sports bra. It was NOT pretty a pretty sight and I figured out quickly why guys were staring as they walked by. Now everything will be strapped down and held in place. As long as I can kick this sugar thing the progress I’ve made won’t come undone…

I need a pick-me-up of the non food or booze variety. I love my wardrobe (although 90% of my pants are too big now) but I’m stuck in a ‘beauty rut’. My hair is completely out of control I don’t know what to do with it. It’s dry, fried and looks like crap. Thank god for honest people on the internet like Precious Curls, who answer my emails patiently and give good advice, which is more than I can say for my hairdresser. The only woman in town who can do curly/ethnic hair, I have no choice but go to her for all things hair related. She knows this and bleeds me dry but for the well being of my hair I’ve booked an appointment for a cut and conditioning treatment tonight and will attempt to wear it curly during the week. Maybe it’ll grow already, frig. I’m constantly trying to get my hair to look something like this;

It actually somewhat did (with a lot of work) 4 years ago but… years of being a blond has taken a toll.

Going through my vacation pictures made me realize it’s also time for a makeup update. Standing next to my sister in pictures, lets just say I need all the help I can get! My makeup bag contains the bare minimum because I rarely replace things when they run out, I just make due until I’m using pink eye shadow for blush, scraping out the last of each lipstick tube until it is d-o-n-e. Things get discontinued so quickly it never seems to be as simple as just replacing something. I’ve been trying to find a new foundation for the longest time, the MAC one I loved was discontinued and everything I’ve tried so far ends up looking too orange or pink (brand suggestions welcome). Oh yes, I’ll be replacing my labret too. I seem to have lost that last few I bought.

Basically the plan is to have the tools to look put together so it requires minimal effort on my part.

~ H

Also, have you ever have someone show up in your newsfeed on facebook and wonder who the heck they are only to find out they’re someone you know but they’ve gone from average to amazing? Yup that happened to me this morning! I’m using that motivation to reach tonight’s workout goal of 2 hours of cardio & weights. Whatever works right? I don't want to be the fat friend!

En Route To My Goal Weight: Goodbye Calgary, Hello Ontario

2011-03-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

Bye Calgary, I'll be back! The view from my seat.

Yesterday was my last day in Calgary, I'm home and I miss my sister and her family already. Last night my niece cried before bed because she couldn’t find me in the house, I know they miss me too. I’ve only been here for a day and one thing has become very clear, I'm a city person. It’s a good thing I move out of this backwards town in May or else I might die! I really can’t live here much longer without going completely insane.

Vacation was just the break I needed to refocus, figure out what I wanted to achieve this year besides completing a marathon. I have a whole list of things I’d like to do, small things like finding a great place to live, to planning a trip to visit friends in Australia. Not sure how I’m going to swing the Australia thing, but nothing happens by chance so planning is the key.

This week’s goal is getting back into my regular workout routine and do some STRICT calorie counting. I’ve also got to go shopping for a heart rate monitor and possibly new sneakers, even though I just bough a pair recently. I noticed on my last few runs, especially yesterday (mapmyrun was being 'special' so I’m going by pace/time to estimate that I ran around 11-13 miles) my knees have been bothering me. I’ll crunch the numbers tonight, but I’m guessing these shoes have done close to 300 miles and it’s time for new ones. Running is an expensive habit. Better than booze or cigarettes I suppose…

Now that I'm back home, I’m so excited to have 100% control over my food! No more meals with cousins, grandma’s aunts etc. Everyone was kind enough to make sure there were vegetarian “options”, but the problem is my family thinks white paste, lots of cheese and tomato sauce is a great vegetarian dish and it’s not. Since weight loss/maintenance boils down to calories consumed versus expended I was able to maintain during vacation by watching my serving sizes but nutritionally I’m suffering. I think my iron is low, I was light headed all last week.

I'm around the same weight as when I weighed myself last week (135ish – On Sunday I’ll weigh again and resume taking and posting progress photos) and I'm pretty sure I lost some body fat. My boyfriend noticed right off the bat that I looked more cut/toned. I’m going to credit circuit training for this, it’s clear I’m going to have to make more time for it.

As if there weren’t enough reminders in daily life (the mirror) to count calories and monitor my weight religiously, I came across another blogger who has gained a bit of weight during marathon training. This seems to be quite common but I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME! This is one of my biggest fears. I love running so much I can’t imagine giving it up... but if it was making me gain weight I don't know what I'd do. The theme I keep noticing is after training people overeat because their hunger levels have increased. I don’t notice a difference in my hunger levels from running, after a run I’m thirsty and I want to sit/lay down/pass out, that’s about it. I’ve been running (and dieting) since I was 13 so perhaps not being hungry after training is due to years of conditioning and saying no? All I know is that is something to watch for!

I'm crashing big time, between arriving home last night and getting up for work this morning I got 3 hours of sleep. Nap time then hopefully I can manage to find the energy for a brief workout, even if it’s only a 5 mile run.

~ Harlow

I don’t know about you guys but I’m so happy for spring:)

Saturday Night Mating Rituals & Week 11 Workout Summary: Circuit Training Keeps Me In Shape While on Vacation!

2011-03-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

I swear if I ever go back to school to do a masters I'm going to do my thesis on modern day mating rituals. Last night I went with my sister and her friends to an upscale hip-hop club. Waking to the bar I got a clue of what type of crowd awaited us when a car drove by, slowed down, the window opened and a male voice started shouting comments about our asses that went from PG to R rated in about 5 seconds. Inside the club we were greeted by a sea of sweaty bodies, groping males (why guys do this I will never understand), bitchy girls and decent beats.

After doing multiple shots of tequila at the bar, we snagged a table at the back of the club that gave us a complete view of all the antics going on. It was funny to watch guys busting out sick dance moves, showing off, trying to catch the attention of scantily clad women. Pick-up lines were equally amusing and it was entertaining to see guys going from girl to girl until they found someone who'd give them the time of day. Drama went down in the bathroom, my sister managed to get in and out quickly without being mauled by a mob of girls ranting and raving about beating up some girl on the dance floor (who was dancing the groups male friend) and ripping out her weave. Apparently as my sis was leaving the mob turned on a girl who accidentally touched someone's purse while trying to wash her hands! Some people turn into such angry psychos when they drink :/

Despite the fact meat market clubs aren't my scene I had a good time. I couldn't help but observed people communicate through the clothing they choose to wear. Safe in my Aztec inspired dress, my appearance communicated I belonged to another tribe, one that didn't wear bedazzled designer jeans and Marciano tops and I made it through the night unmolested.

All of the booze consumed last night meant I reeaaaaallllly didn't want to run today. I felt gross and lazy and wanted to lay on the couch all afternoon. My sister, the wise woman that she is, said "Just go for a run, once you start you'll be happy you went." Wasn't that the truth. I brought a camera on my hour and 40 minute run and got a picture of my elk buddies!

There were 4 Elk (2 babies) but I had trouble getting a clear shot of all of them.

Despite the cold the trail was easy to run on, no ice

Chinook then blizzards made for beautiful scenery

Secure trash receptacles to discourage the wildlife from wandering too far into civilization!

Week 11 Workout Summary (March 20-26)

Sunday & Monday - Rest Days

Tuesday - treadmill 2.5 miles in 21 minutes INTENSE leg/chest/back circuit workout. No rest between sets, felt like I was going to throw up/pass out but I kept pushing through.

Wednesday - Crossramp 1 hour interval program level 12. Weights Bis & tris. 10 minute run on treadmill @7.3 mph incline 3.0

Thursday - Rest Day

Friday - treadmill 1.75 miles in 15 minutes. 1 hour crossramp level 12 variety program. abs/core workout

Saturday - Circuit workout: 60 jumping jacks, 12 burpees, 70 lunges, 30 deadlifts with 25 pounds repeat 3 times/50 swing kicks*, balance lunge 15 each leg, 10 burpees repeat 2 times/12 burpees 35 steps ups (with both r&l leg) on high coffee table

This week to make the best use of my time I've been doing a lot of legwork and circuit training. My goal was to burn the most calories possible in the shortest amount of time. I decided I'd rather risk building a bit of muscle mass (which I can burn off when I return home) than gain fat. I felt a bit like Mcgiver some days, like on Saturday when I set up a circuit in my sisters basement using weights, a folding chair, the stairs and open space.

I'm looking forward to returning home and get back on track with marathon training and losing the last 17 pounds (my goal weight is 118). I've given a lot of thought to yo-yoing and what needs to be done to maintain my goal weight long term, but that's a post for another day.

~ H

*Instead of using the hip abductor/adductor machine try doing swing kicks. They raise your heart rate and your core muscles are engaged while trying to maintain balance.

EDIT: WOO-HOO! I got the chance to answer comments :)

Versatile Blogger Award With a Twist - It's All About You

2011-03-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

Three bloggers (Zette, TK & Almost Skinny Vegan) were kind enough to bestow Staying Thin with the versatile blogger award and I can't think of a word more fitting to describe this blog. You never really know what you're going to get when you visit!

In the spirit of the award I've decided to go ahead and break the rules a bit, instead of sharing seven things about myself I'll instead share seven blogs all different in nature and one thing about myself. It's hard to choose because I enjoy reading all of your blogs but the following ones are quite established, the bloggers have been writing for a long time and aren't likely to up and disappear with no explanation one day. If you haven't checked out the following blogs I suggest it's time you do!

1) Ophelia from A Head Full of Beauty. Ophelia's blog is as tragic as her namesake, gritty, honest and beautifully painful. She writes about her life and struggle with ED in a way that is deeply relatable. A talented writer she often articulates feelings I struggle to identify and for this reason I regard her as a kindred spirit.

2)Sheryl from *Bitch Cakes*: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures. I know, I know, I've previously mentioned I didn't like this blog but for some reason I can't stop reading it. I think it's Sheryl's tenacity and perseverance in everything she does that sucks me in and forces me to respect her. Slightly eccentric, she has her own personal style (pin up glamour girl) and has lost a ridiculous amount of weight over the years and now lives a fit and active lifestyle. Her self confidence is what stands out to me, she loves herself and doesn't care if other people don't.

3) Retromus-ik from Retromus-ik. A beautiful, strong, intelligent black women, she writes about her day to day life, social issues and overall has an interesting blog that resonates. She's a blogger who cares, she makes and effort to get to know her readers and always voices her opinions in a respectful manner.

4) K from Skinny. I feel like K and I are dinosaurs in the blogging world, she's been reading my blog since the begining - we're old school! As creepy as it sounds I feel like I actually know K and always enjoy reading her posts. She has a pretty intense career and I don't understand where she finds the time or energy to work out, but she does. Her sharp assessment of situations that occur in her daily life make me laugh and her personality comes through in her writing.

5) Cynthia from Run, Dream & Laugh Out Loud. She's a runner and a mom and her posts are unlike so many running blogs I've come across, they aren't a boring list of workouts and what she ate! She talks about running but also shares bits and pieces of her personal life. One day I hope to come out of the blogging closet and have a blog similar to hers, one were I can share my life and photos instead of being an anonymous stranger on the internet.

6) Lou from My Life with ED, Ana, Mia and Neurosis. Lou is Lou. I struggle to find the words to describe her deeply personal blog that reads like a private diary. I admire her honesty and willingness to be open, I look forward to reading about her day to day life and am constantly rooting for her to overcome the struggles she faces.

7) Fed Up from Numbers Game. I relate on so many levels to Fed Up, one reason being we both have similar philosophies on how to reach our weight loss goals - patience and perseverance is the key. Reading her blog keeps me in check and constantly reinforces the fact that losing weight is a marathon not a sprint. She started at a similar weight as me, yet over the course of a couple years has lost around 40 pounds and kept it off. No small feat!

So there you have it, seven of the many wonderful blogs I read on a daily basis.

One thing about me... I don't have much jewellery but I love what I do have. This combination of necklaces is my current favourite thing to wear. There's no significance to the red string, it's not 'ana' rather it's the only colour it came in.

photo removed

~ Harlow

I had the chance to weigh myself this morning, 135.6 pounds. PHEW!!! I was terrified I was going to be close to 200! The next 10 pounds of weight loss are the most exciting, I know my body well and the weight starts to come off my bottom half once I hit the low 130s.

Also, you need to know the ridiculous amount of effort it's taking to resist nighttime snacks! Watching a movie with my sis last night, I made a myself a green tea. She had chips with shredded cheese, went back for a second bowl of cheese, 3 chocolate pudding cups and some popcorn. It's one thing to struggle to resist delicious food at dinner, but when dinners done, no more temptation. It's a completely different thing to be sitting next to someone crunching on chips for an hour. What I really wanted to do last night was grab the bag and shove fistfuls of chips into my mouth, but I didn't! Harlow 1, Fat 0!

Hot Girls Work For It Too! (and a really good article about why you aren't losing weight)

2011-03-24T12:06:00.000-07:00

The Calgary gym is amazing, not because of it's massive size, new equipment and tiled floors (the gym at home is carpeted and stinks of old sweat) but because of the people! There seems to be an abnormal amount of Jersey Shore type guys who go to this gym and I've been observing them out of the corner of my eye. They're hilarious and it's like watching a completely different species in their natural habitat. Slick hair, protein shakes and bizarre shirts that cling so tightly I can see their nipples (gross), they strut around making small talk to random people. All I can think is these people live for the GTL. Although the guys are entertaining, the best thing is the women working out.

Back home the gym is 98% percent full of lazy people, many of them skinny fat, none of them motivating. There is the occasional older woman who is ripped (like a man and for some reason they all seem to have crunchy 80s permed hair) but that's it. Usually at the gym I get comments along the lines of "wow you run for a really long time", "you had a really long workout on the elliptical" , "You're like the energizer bunny!" things that imply I'm insane for pushing myself so hard. Most people back home hop on a machine, lallygag for 20 minutes, do a couple random stretches and call it a day.

Not so at the Calgary gym!

Entering the gym I was behind a girl wearing the cutest knee high boots. She was tall, thin with a pretty face and well dressed. I couldn't help but be slightly envious of her perfection, she looked like one of those girls who are naturally tiny and delicate. WRONG!!! In the gym her workout and stamina absolutely blew me away! She hopped on the cross ramp and pretty much sprinted for an hour, then switched the treadmill and upped the incline to a ridiculous height and gave it her all. Glancing around I saw many fit, athletic, toned girls working out really hard. For once in my life I felt at home.

Seeing all those women working out so hard at the gym really reinforced the fact that to get a tight body the majority of people have to work for it, in addition to eating well. It was comforting to know I'm not alone in pushing myself. In the future when I feel like I'm the only person struggling through a difficult workout I'm going to remember the Calgary women and hopefully it'll motivate me.

In other news my body is in a weird in between stage. I brought all size 27 pants on my trip but I have to wear a belt with them all or else I can pull them off/they fall down. I bought a pair of sale size 26 pants to tide me over until I get back home. Despite my shrinking waist, the thigh gap is still eluding me.

Food wise I've devised a plan that seems to be working for me, I skip breakfast and lunch and eat dinner (I make a huge salad and have a little of what everyone else is eating) and sometimes snacks later on in the night. Fingers crossed I'm able to maintain. I'm babysitting for my sister right now while she takes a friend to the doctors, I was planning on doing p90x yoga during the kiddies nap, but the baby keeps waking up and crying (despite not being hungry, wet or anything else), he just doesn't want to sleep so yoga might be a no go today.

~ Harlow

I came across an interesting article (Why am I not losing weight? What to do to lose weight?) on one of the fitness blogs I subscribe to, check it out if you have a chance.

Also I am completely behind in your comments (I read them all) but probably won't have a chance to respond to them until I'm back home.

Stay strong, remember to exercise to avoid the skinny fat syndrome!

The Hippie Hippie Shake

2011-03-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Week 10 Workout Summary - On vacation but not totally slacking

2011-03-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

Vacation, a time to relax and enjoy life, but not a time to stop working out. This week I haven't hit the gym as often as I wanted to (and I should have because I'm straying from my normal eating plan) but some days there simply isn't any time. I've managed to squeeze in a few decent workouts, one of them being an 8+ mile run the morning of my flight. I came to regret this, my legs were killing me by the time I arrive in Calgary.

Week 10 Workout Summary (March 13 -19)

Sunday & Monday - rest days

Tuesday - 8.44 miles outdoor run, 1 hour 18 minutes

Wednesday - treadmill 21 minutes 10 min @ 6.6mph, 1 min @ 8.5, 3 min @6.6 repeat. It was really difficult to do HIIT on this treadmill because I couldn't program in the jog/run speeds and it took forever to speed up or slow down. arms & shoulders, 1hour cross ramp interval program level 10.

Thursday - 55 minutes outdoor run

Friday - rest day

Saturday - 52 minute outdoor run, leg workout

Obviously I'm not working out as much as I usually do... but I'd rather hang out with my sis. Also there is no such thing as flat terrain around here, so I think I will have met my hill training quota by the time my trip is over. I love the trail I'm running on, the other day I saw a random animal, I think it was an elk but I'm not 100% sure.

Tomorrow I plan on spending a couple hours at the gym since I've had a pretty lazy Sunday and Monday. I really love spending time with my niece and nephew and I'm trying (but not very successfully) to convince my bf that we should move out here. I'm going to miss them so much when I go back home.

~ H

Thank you for all your kind comments on yesterdays post. I try to refrain from posting when I'm feeling blue, but the thing is I don't have anyone in my real life to talk to about stuff that bothers/upsets me so I end up blogging about it. Writing about things is how I deal with my feelings. As much as I'd like to be all sunshine and rainbows over here, sometimes it's just not possible.

A Terrible St Patrick's Day and an Epiphany Thanks to Tom Cruise

2011-03-20T23:34:00.000-07:00

*** Warning, this post is a downer, you might not want to read it if you're already having a bad day! ***

St Patrick's Day, one of my favourite holidays, was a complete bust this year. It was doomed from the moment I tried getting dressed (fat day), I must have changed a thousand times yet nothing I put on could disguise the shape of my body or my problem areas. I settled on something mediocre and threw a giant poncho over the whole thing. When I ventured downstairs to the drinking festivities I was just in time for a photo shoot, not the funnest thing to do on a fat day. After viewing the pictures I thought hmmmmmm, looking a little troll-like, probably best to avoid being in photos for the rest of the night. I dug down deep to find my st pat's day spirit and was pumped (and slightly buzzed) for a night out by the time we left the house.

Once we arrived downtown we had to walk single file past a group of drunken guys smoking outside before we could enter the pub. These fine characters felt the need to comment on each girl as she walked by. My sister and her best friend walked past first and the guys went nuts about how hot they were. When I walked by (I'm paraphrasing nicely here) the guys told me I was NOT hot.

I walked into the pub in a bit of a daze, stunned (but not surprised) that people could be so rude. I went strait to the restroom to pull myself together and tried to avoid looking in the mirror. I knew i should just let the remarks go, but I couldn't. I just felt so ashamed and worthless, like what the hell was I doing out in public? I knew it was time to call it a night. I discreetly told my sister I was not feeling up to drinking and that I was going to head home. She could tell something was wrong and started getting all worked up and it became clear there was no way I could escape without her coming. Instead of being a drama queen and making my sister leave all of her friends I stayed and tried to be sociable and cheery to strangers (failing miserably) when really I felt like elephant man and wanted to crawl under the table.

Here's the thing. I've always been referred to as curvier, athletic, fit, healthy or whatever the politically correct euphemism of the day is for short, squat fat girl when compared to my sister. My sister is beautiful and skinny, I am not, that's just the way it is. I'm down with being the ugly duckling and usually don't dwell on it, but when some d-bag points it out to me I feel like crap.

In a matter of days I've become acutely aware that no matter how much I try I will always have a horrible body shape, even when underweight because of my body frame. I will never have the thin thighs or the thigh gap of my sister, never have a tiny delicate face, my face will always be round and chubby, no matter what I do. Lately I've noticed how people constantly check out my sister, how they go out of their way to be friendly and smile at her and I'm invisible. Since that guy's comment I've been really down on myself and can't seem to shake my insecurity.

Getting ready this morning (and getting upset over the size of my thighs) I recognized in order to be truly happy I need to accept that eating healthy and working out regularly is the best I can do. I can't shrink my skeleton and I will always have big hips and thighs, that it's impossible to change my genetics. I might not be able to change my thinking on my own. The counselling session* I had last Monday also brought to light that it's going to take a lot of work to change how I view myself. In fact the counsellor doesn't think she has the resources to help me (if that doesn't scream you're crazy I don't know what does!) and now things are in motion to see a psychiatrist amongst other things because of how I was 'programmed' growing up.

My session only lasted an hour and I hardly told the counsellor anything but for some reason I mentioned that for years when I was little whenever I went out with my mom she would point to overweight women and force me to look at them saying "Harlow look, look at that woman, look how fat she is, it's absolutely disgusting. She's so fat isn't she?" I was expected to agree and then she would ask "I'm fat, but not as fat as her, right?" and I learned the correct answer was "no mom, you're smaller than her, she's fat and you're not", and responded like a robot every time. Apparently this and a whack of other things contribute to my fear of being fat/warped body image/food weirdness and discomfort of people looking at me in public.

I'm not looking forward to talking about all of this stuff to strangers but on the the flip side I want to stop constantly feeling bad about myself, like I'm fat and ugly all the time. Randomly I remembered something Tom Cruise said in a really terrible, terrible book (it was called The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists). The quote that stands out was along the lines of confidence comes from within, so compliments or approval of others is unnecessary. In the book the encounter with Tom Cruise was inspiring and reading it made me respect the man, I envied his self-assuredness. Remembering that passage of the book cemented the fact in order to be truly happy I need to be ok with myself. So that's my goal, what I want from counselling, to be confident in myself so that I'm not affected by the opinions (good or bad) of others.

~ Harlow

This vacation should be called Harlow in the Land of Food. Seriously there is food everywhere, all the time. I've given up trying to lose weight this week, maintenance is my goal. It's pretty easy to avoid junk food in my everyday life, I don't buy it and don't eat out that often. Here it's everywhere. I've been exercising every other day and occasionally resorted to the NomVom (to borrow Lina's phrase). I've gotten groceries, and cooked but there is just too much junk food and I am way too weak to have it around me 24/7.

I'll post my workout schedule tomorrow, and answer comments then.

*I have to return the counsellor's call tomorrow, she is the first person I've ever talked to who is compassionate and actually knows how to handle things. She's recommend a few resources to me one of them being Sheena's place. I'm not sure how I feel about all this, I kind of think that might be a little extreme, but she does seem to know what she's talking about and I trust her, so we'll see.

Couple of Thoughts on Rusty's Interview

2011-03-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

Judging by the comments on the post with Rusty Moore's interview, you guys found it as interesting as I did! Here are a few things that stood out to me;

The idea that people should focus on creating a weekly calorie deficit as opposed to a daily one made sense. It allows for a more flexible diet and makes the idea of dieting easier. If you know that you can have a couple treats as long as you factor them into your weekly calories, dieting doesn't seem so challenging. They key is to not have a treat every day... which is easier said than done!

I was REALLY interested in Rusty's opinion ellipticals, because the other fitness guru I follow (Paul Plakas) is strongly opposed to them. Although I agree with Paul that ellipticals aren't the best thing you could be doing for exercise, I don't think they are completely useless. As long as ellipticals are used in addition to other forms of cardio it's a good way to give your joints a break (from high impact exercises like aerobics or running) and if you choose the right program it's a pretty decent workout for your legs.

Rusty advised dropping resistance training on legs and to be extremely cautious in what exercises you choose to do. I think this advice pretty much applies to every woman. Legs are tricky and less is more when it comes to training them. My personal experience has been my legs bulk up ridiculously fast and I have to be very, very careful in what exercises I do. The flip side however is that unfortunately I am genetically prone to cellulite on the front and back of my legs (life isn't fair) and if I don't do any leg work then my thighs are jiggly and quite scary looking! Doing some lower body resistance training seems to smooth out the dimples and make my legs more toned than just cardio alone.

~ H

Healthy Food?

2011-03-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

I've arrived safe and sound although I forgot about airport security and wore boots with a ton on metal hardware :/ Note to self, don't wear any Jeffrey Campbell creations flying home! I love it here, the landscape of Calgary is beautiful, you can see the Rocky Mountains on the horizon, everything is hilly and spread out, it's definitely not a claustrophobic city.

Being at my sister's house is the best vacation I could have, being around her and her little family brings me so much joy. The only obstacle so far has been dinner/food. My sister knows I'm vegetarian and assured me they eat healthy, although her and her hubby no longer follow the p90x diet (my brother in law lost 60-70 pounds doing p90x a couple of years ago and has kept the weight off) they eat very well.

After dinner last night I realised the definition of "healthy food" means completely different things to us. I was stressing out internally while she was making dinner, white pasta, premade sauce (SUGAR), garlic bread, salad, cheese in everything, wine, all foods I don't normally eat. It's silly to be afraid of food but I was, dinner was very difficult to eat and I was so uncomfortable. I didn't say anything because I know how much my sister loves to cook. The fact that I didn't have any choice in dinner was very distressing. It's not just the one time calories of the meal, it's the sugar craving/sugar addiction these foods create in the body when eated. Once you start eating sugar its difficult to stop, you want it all the time.

My sister is tall and the tiniest thing known to man (when we were younger she was constantly approached by modelling scouts) so calories and weight gain don't really cross her mind. I figured the best way to solve this problem would be to go grocery shopping and make dinner/side dishes that I enjoy eating and teach her about healthy food. She has a lot of health problems and they might not be as bad if she cut back on processed food and sugar.

Fingers crossed it'll be all good when I get groceries of my own, quinoa, buckwheat, couscous, lots of vegetables etc! I'm going to make healthy blueberry muffins with my niece (she's 2) hopefully I can get everyone to like new, unprocessed foods :)

~ Harlow

Happy St Patricks day, one of may favourite holidays of the year. Green is my favourite colour, a day where everyone wears green is a good day in my books!

Also, as if I didn't have enough things to feed into my fashion obsession this showed up in my in box this morning:

I die

Although everything looks good on pin thin models, I think this would be the perfect dress to hide back/side/belly flab!

Interview with Rusty Moore, the Unconventional Fitness Expert Behind Fitness Black Book.com

2011-03-15T06:04:00.000-07:00

Recently I was asked for my thoughts on Rusty Moore's new program Visual Impact For Women. I haven't personally tried it yet (marathon training is getting in the way!) but I'm more than curious to see what it's about. The p90x dvds have been a good workout so far, but this summer I want to try something new, switch things up with a program that won't build as much muscle.

A long time reader of the Fitness Black Book I've grown to trust Rusty and his advice, simply because he actually gets that most women don't want to look like jacked up fitness competitors. I had many questions about his new women's program, and judging by your comments and emails so did you guys. I contacted Rusty and he agreed to an interview, hopefully his responses below will answer your questions.

Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions for me Rusty. For those who are unfamiliar with the philosophy of the Fitness Black Book could you share a bit of your background and what prompted you to start a fitness site?

You are welcome, thanks for taking the time to interview me. I started Fitness Black Book back in 2007, because I was frustrated with the majority of fitness sites at that time. My biggest problem was the look that was being pushed by a majority of those sites. Men who had so much muscle that they looked bloated and women so ripped they looked like men, but with fake breasts.

The other issue I had with these sites, was the pure "cheese" factor. Lots of oil and flexing...fashion disasters like those big over-sized bodybuilding pants, fanny packs, sweat pants with "juicy" written across the butt. So what we had was an industry run by men and women with bad taste. I know that sounds blunt, but it really is the truth.

I knew there were a huge group of people that wanted to get fit, without looking like gym rats. People who wanted to look and feel great and fashionable, as well as look great on the beach. Adding too much muscle simply gives off a cheesy aura when a person tries to wear nice clothing. Ever see a female bodybuilder or fitness competitor in a dress? Same problem when a bodybuilder tries to wear a suit. Too much size makes it looks like that person is trying too hard.

So I created my blog with the goal of creating the #1 site dedicated to the lean "Hollywood" look. It was for people who would rather look like the men and women in "James Bond" movies -vs- getting ready for some sort of fitness competition.

What makes your Visual Impact for Women program different from other fitness programs made for women?

I actually "get it" when it comes to the look that women are aiming for. I'm not sure if personal trainers aren't listening, but 99% are missing it when they train women. Most women don't want to look like Jillian Michaels. Sure, she is in outstanding shape...but there are some masculine elements to her physique that most women would rather avoid. My program helps women gain strength and definition in the muscle WITHOUT adding size to the muscle. In fact, it helps women avoid vascular muscles as well.

What type of look/body does your program produce for women who follow it?

It helps women look feminine while getting in outstanding shape. So having flat abs with a "hint" of definition vs veiny abs of a fitness model. Being slim and fit without looking like they live in the gym.

There is a big difference between training to be healthy and having a "sexy body" -vs- having a "gym" body. It is the same thing with men...if the first thing a woman thinks about is that this guy must live in the gym, it isn't attractive. The exact same principle applies to women.

What type of conventional training method is often recommended to women by trainers and fitness magazines, but shouldn't be?

High reps to failure and "going for the burn" to tone the muscle. There have been several recent studies that show that "rep count" isn't what causes muscle growth or lack of muscle growth. What causes growth in a muscle is how hard those last few reps are pushed.

The closer someone pushes to failure, the more a muscle will be forced to adapt through adding size. So 15-20 reps will cause as much growth as 8-10...as long as the last reps are tough.

I recommend women train with lower reps, but stop short of failure. Lower reps cause more tension in the muscle. Muscle tension creates muscle tone and definition. Since the sets are stopped well short of failure, the muscle doesn't increase in size.

So why not high reps short of failure? High reps can cause a "pump" in the muscle. A pump is a great idea for bodybuilding. In fact, there are several bodybuilding supplements on the market that increase the pump. If big veiny muscle are your goal, then go for higher reps to "pump" up the muscle...but my guess is that isn't the goal of most women

Lately cardio has taken a backseat to resistance training, circuit routines or body weight circuit routines, yet you recommend a lot of cardio in your program. Why?

So first of all, let me say that those circuit training routines aren't bad. In fact, I usually take 3 months during the year where I give my body a break from the gym and do body weight circuit routines...just to mix it up. When I want to get in top shape, I do add in a lot of cardio. Here's the deal:

1) You can only diet and reduce the calories so low before you are starving yourself.

2) You can only add in so much circuit training before you break your body down and become over-trained.

What if you are stuck and have 5-10 more pounds to lose and your diet and circuit training is maxed? The answer is that you add in low level cardio. Cardio is the only variable that can be increased when everything else is maxed out.

I joke around a lot that many personal trainers are "slightly chubby". The reason why is that they are so stubborn about "being able to get as lean as they want without having to do boring cardio". If they simply added 3-4 cardio sessions on top of what they were already doing, they would get in the best shape of their lives.

Some Fitness Experts advise against using the elliptical machine. What is your opinion on this?

Well, I have devised a really effective "strategic cardio" program that is done in two stages.

Stage 1: Doing 10-15 minutes of tough intervals on a piece of cardio equipment. This boosts HGH (the body's natural fat burning hormone) and also releases fatty acids from the fat cells.

Stage 2: Doing low intensity "steady state" cardio to burn fat for fuel. The intense intervals released Fatty Acids from the fat cells, so you can take advantage of this by burning them using this lower intensity cardio

For stage 1, I recommend the more demanding pieces of cardio equipment. Something like a Stepmill or Treadmill are best. For stage 2 I recommend a less demanding piece of cardio equipment. Ellipticals are perfect for this. Many experts claim that they are too easy...but this actually makes them perfect for the 2nd part of this "strategic cardio" workout.

How can women train their thighs so that they slim down instead of bulking up.

This is probably my #1 specialty. You see, I put on muscle really easily in my thighs...at a much faster rate than my upper body. About 10 years ago I purposely lost 15 pounds of muscle and most of it was in my thighs.

So to avoid adding size in the first place, you need to avoid the pump in your thighs. For women who are especially susceptible to adding size, this would mean dropping all lower body resistance training.

In my opinion most women can get incredible legs and butt from intense cardio. In fact, even then...women need to be cautious. Many women need to avoid the upright exercise bike, because that can pump up the legs and make their jeans tighter after just a couple of weeks.

I have found the "go to" combo for amazing legs to be sprint intervals on a treadmill or stepmill followed by walking on the elliptical. The added benefit is that this will burn calories like mad and boost your HGH levels...so you will lose that extra body fat on your lower abs to look amazing in a bikini.

Are there specific exercises you would recommend women avoid?

Women should never do shrugs of any type. Large traps do not look good in a dress. no side bends either, because these will increase the thickness of the waist. Women need to be especially cautious when doing direct resistance training for their lower body.

My advice is to drop them for at least a few months and increase the intensity of their cardio. If after 3 months they feel that they need to add more size to their legs, then reintroduce lunges, squats, leg presses, etc.

What is the best piece of diet advice you can give women?

Focus on creating a weekly calorie deficit NOT a daily calorie deficit. This way a woman can fully enjoy the holidays, social events, parties, etc. If she goes out on Saturday and has a great dinner followed by quite a few drinks, she can make up for it by having a few lower calorie days earlier in the week.

She also won't need to worry about her metabolism slowing down on those low calorie days. I discuss this in quite a bit of detail in the course. The funny thing is that this method of eating is actually MORE effective than maintaining a calorie deficit each and every day.

If someone feels they have too much muscle on their frame, what can they do to create a more feminine silhouette?

To lose muscle mass it is as simple as doing "marathon cardio" on a treadmill in a fasted state. This isn't something to be done long term, but in 3-4 months can drastically reduce the size of the thighs while shaping the legs and butt up nicely.

Avoid the pump (and reduce the volume of sets and reps) in any muscle that looks too big.

How do you feel your Visual Impact For Women program will benefit the average woman?

I know for a fact that most women simply want their clothes to fit well. My girlfriend is a successful full-time women's fashion designer, so I'm surrounded by this stuff more than most guys. I really do think this gives me insight that most fitness trainers don't have.

I can help women get in the best shape of their lives, without having to make a compromise and the way they want to look. Many women go to the gym with one goal in mind, but the trainers slowly talk them into adding more muscle.

I hear a lot of trainers convince women that it is a good thing that their jeans are getting tighter...because "adding that extra muscle means they will burn more body fat". Of course that is completely bogus.

The big benefit to the average woman is that she can stay slim and feminine, while training. Several of my female friends (as well as my girlfriend) quit training in the past, because it made them look too bulky. They loved the way it made them feel...but hated the way it made them look. This course was created to solve that problem.

If you could only give one piece of fitness advice what would it be?

Don't let personal trainers push their agenda on you. The gym is a slightly bizarre and intimidating place at times. It is a strange little subculture, where normal people always feel like outsiders. They are the ones who are out of touch...not you.

If you don't want big "delts" or a big V-taper or anything like that, don't let them talk you into that. In fact, I would recommend avoiding working out with most personal trainers simply because it is their job to push you past the pain barrier. Remember, "pushing past the pain barrier" is you ticket to larger jean sizes :)

So I'm rambling on, but my #1 piece of advice is stick to your goals...and don't get talked out of them, by someone who "supposedly" knows more about this kind of thing.

Visual Impact For Women can be found HERE

~ Harlow

I'm leaving on a jet plane today, finally cashing in on my Christmas present! Got to fit in a run shortly because yours truly had a close encounter with some junk food last night :/ My gym clothes and runners are packed in my carry on bag, that way if my luggage gets lost I have no excuse not to train!

Must.Finish.Marathon.Must.Train.Always.

My thoughs on Rusty's interview will be in Friday's post, take care and have a good week :)

Poll Results & Week 9 Workout Summary: I Think My Legs Are Broken!

2011-03-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I posted a poll asking what you guys wanted to see more of on the blog and here are the results:

Personal posts took the lead at 52%, ask and you shall receive! Although I'm not sure exactly what it is you want, I will talk about my upcoming (and dreaded) counselling/therapy, any coworker drama that arises and my cross country adventures next week. Life's pretty calm right now, most of my friends are abroad or living in the city. I imagine things will pick up once I move out of the country and back to civilization, only 2 more months to go!

Fitness, Nutrition and Thinspo got 9% of votes each, so I'll keep incorporating these topics into my posts. Nutrition had the remaining 19% of votes, when I finish the 2 vegan books I'm reading I'll share my thoughts with everyone. If you have any other suggestions feel free to leave them in the comments :)

Week 9 Workout Summary (March 6 – 12)

I finally reached my goal of doing cardio 6 days a week for the first time since I started recording my workouts! YES! It only took 3 months! The plan is to keep this up and increase my cardio to at least an hour a day.

Sunday: Treadmill 35 minutes 4 miles. Break (stretch) 1 hour 6.51 miles speed 6.4 last min speed 8.6, incline 2.0

Monday: Elliptical 1 hour Random program level 13. Core workout 15 minutes stair stepper fat burning program

Tuesday: 20 minutes Gradual Hills on Treadmill speed 6.8 incline 2.0-5.0 increase by 1 ever 1/2 mile. Legs. 20 minutes Gradual Hills speed 6.6 incline 1-6 increase every ¼ mile. Legs. 10 minutes speed incline 3.0

Wednesday: 42 minutes p90x yoga

Thursday: The goal was to run 12 miles but the gym was insanely hot and I was DYING! I knew it wasn’t just me because Duck Foot Man (the guy training for a triathlon who runs in his water slippers) was sweating buckets, chugging water and appeared to be struggling which was really unusual for him. The man’s a machine. I managed 31 minutes on the treadmill speed 6.6, incline 2, before moving to an elliptical directly under a fan. Did 1 hour, level 13 on the hill interval program and was a disgusting sweaty mess afterwards. 10 minutes on treadmill speed 7.2, incline 2.0

Friday: Outdoor run 12.17 miles, 1 hour 57 minutes

Saturday: Treadmill 2 miles speed 7.8, 15.30 minutes, bis/tris/shoulders, 1 mile speed 8.3, 7.18 minutes bis/tris/shoulders

Weight loss

Starting Weight: 147 (January 1, 2011)

Current Weight: 135 pounds

Goal Weight: 115- 120 pounds. I'll see when I get there. I don't like being told I look too skinny all the time which usually happens when I get under 125.

Reading my weight loss stats was quite depressing, in 2 months and a bit I've only lost 12 pounds. For the amount of working out I've done and much stricter I've gotten with eating (I don't eat fast food at all!) it seems like such a slow process. I won't give up though, I'm going to keep going until I meet my goal. Whatever it takes, what ever it takes! Yesterday's photos will be the benchmark, every 5 pounds lost I'll retake photos in the same outfit and post them.

Uggghhh Monday morning's just around the corner... but so is my vacation. 2 days till take off!

~ H

Bohemian Rhapsody ~ What's Your Inspiration?

2011-03-12T10:55:00.000-08:00

You Asked, I Answered. The Low Down On My Running Shoes

2011-03-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

A few of you have asked about my running shoes, so here's your post! I'm pretty cheap when it comes to running shoes, I'd rather spend that money on 70s platforms. This means I only buy sale shoes and usually shop at outlet stores, but I ALWAYS buy shoes meant for running. I don't replace my shoes every 300-400 miles as recommended I go by how they feel. When it's time for new shoes I get shin splints, can feel the impact of running in my joints etc. Some brands need to be replaced sooner, some last longer. Here are the brand's I've tried:

Brooks: What I'm currently running in (Adrenaline GTS 11, they're $100 on the site but I found them for $79), I have no complaints.

Nike: I often prefer the look of Nike runners and haven't had a problem running in them. The only thing is they tend to wear out the faster than other brands I've tried.

Adidas: HATE. The tongue of the shoes isn't padded enough and the laces started cutting the tops of my feet on long runs. I think this pair lasted a month before I tossed them. Biggest waste of money.

New Balance: Not the most stylish runners out there, but one of the better brands in terms of comfort and how long they last.

I tend to stick to New Balances or Brooks because they are comfortable and I can find them for pretty cheap.

On the topic of running gear, I feel compelled to share my favourite shirt with you! No surprise it's Lululemon, but the Live Simply Crew Neck Tee is the best t-shirt they've ever made. For a few seasons I hated the t-shirts because the necks were super high and looked really weird. I was going to use a picture from the website but I thought you might want to see how it looks on a regular person instead of a Lululemon barbie.

photo removed

It's one of those shirts that's pretty much universally flattering. It's fitted but stretches out after a few wears without turning into a shapeless burlap sack, plus it's long enough so when you do anything that involves stretching your gut doesn't get exposed. It's perfect for layering:

photo removed

I haven't invested in a heart rate monitor yet so I don't have an opinion on brands, sorry. When I get one I'll let you know if it's decent or a piece of crap.

~ H

I don't know about you guys, but I am seriously starting to question my ability to run a full marathon in May, the more running blogs I read the more intimidated I get. Don't worry, I'm not a quitter and quite stubborn so I WILL complete the full (and get down to 120)... even if I have to be carried past the finish line. It's just a crappy feeling not knowing if you'll be able to meet your goals. After yesterday's run I decided I need to get some sort of race under my belt before this marathon, so now the bf and I are running a half in April. As you can imagine he is quite overjoyed at the thought of running another race for fun, but we both think its a good idea!

Yoga, The Perfect Activity For A Stress, er I Mean Rest Day!

2011-03-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

I always forget how intense yet relaxing yoga is when I haven't done it for awhile. It’s always hard to motivate myself to do yoga (or any type of stretching) but after a mentally exhausting day it's the perfect thing to unwind and decompress. It's funny how something so challenging can be calming at the same time, but for whatever reason it is.

Last night I made it through 42 minutes of p90x yoga, by the time I reached the side arm balances my arms were shaking and I kept falling over! Every single muscle in my body was burning. P90x yoga is such a great way to tone your back and upper body without building man muscles, it definitley isn't a meditation dvd! For all the brave souls that recommended I give Bikram yoga another try, I plan to when I return from my trip. You can hold me too this!

This body brought to you by yoga?

Last night I met my bf and his crazy squash buddies at the pub after yoga. During the day I only ate a small serving of quinoa and veg, in anticipation of eating unhealthy pub food. I don’t know what it is but I can’t seem to order salad at this pub, yet I ALWAYS regret eating pub food the next day. I didn’t have booze but ate half a veggie burger (which tasted like cardboard), some sweet potato fries (25ish) and split a dessert. Not only are the calories distressing, I feel so gross and head-achy today from the processed food. When will I ever learn?

~ H

In other news I have a longish run tonight, aiming for 12 miles. Wish me luck!

My priorities need an adjustment

2011-03-09T04:34:00.000-08:00

I am so pumped for daylight savings time this weekend, you have no idea. Double workouts here I come! Longer days mean runs before and after work! It also means spring is right around the corner and since there are two beautiful conservation areas close by, when the trails thaw I should invest in runners. I like to have 2 pairs on the go, separate pairs for indoor and outdoor running. It's beneficial to alternate between shoes (the cushioning has time to decompress between runs) plus I don’t like bringing runners caked in mud to the gym, it makes me feel like a dirt bag.

So I’ve set aside some money for trail shoes.

BUT

Since I spend many hours surfing the net and reading in an attempt to avoid the fridge and food cupboards I come across things that make me consider switching up shoe priorities.

Like this shoe. I need these in my life.

Useful running shoe vs impractical hooker shoe?

I know at first glance they look like they belong on a street walker, but it’s all in what you pair them with. See, this fashion blogger makes them look stylish and not trampy:

I've been searching online for a size 8 and they are sold out everywhere. Perhaps this is for the best. Trail runners it is :(

~ H

Today is my designated rest day but I don't think I can take a true rest day. I'm looking up yoga classes to see if I can go to one during my bf's squash game. It's league night and they all go out afterwards to the pub, (plus it's his friend's bday) so bf wants me to pub it up with them. I REALLY need to keep busy because mia's been hanging around a little too much the last couple of days and I'd like to avoid her.

Also I’ve sort of become the unofficial vegetarian spokes person around here, people are very unfamiliar with vegetarianism. I'm trying to read and educate myself as much as I can so I can answer people’s questions without sounding like a food. The bf and his family, don’t really seem to get the whole vegan thing and think they’re kinda crazy! Going vegan is going to be interesting, I can already tell!

Here’s An Idea, Why Don’t We Eat Plants Instead of Plant Sterols? Yes Another Rant.

2011-03-08T10:32:00.000-08:00

This old betty’s breaking down. I had to lift my leg out of the car yesterday morning, it was non responsive and felt like I was trying to move a dead stump of wood. I took it as a sign my body was begging for a cross training day, which meant I was trapped on the elliptical last night watching bad t.v. and commercials touting the goodness of plant sterols. It’s the fact that something unhealthy is being marketed as healthy that gets to me.

I don’t know anything about extracting plant sterols but I imagine it’s not as simple as mashing up some peas and putting them in margarine. Seeing Becel’s heart healthy commercials over and over last night made me so angry (which made for a good workout) because most people don’t have the time or interest to educate themselves about nutrition. Commercials like these can be a primary source of information. Well if it says it’s heart healthy it must be, right? UMMMMMMM NO. I suggest reading the back of labels (ingredients, nutritional info) because the front ones lie.

Say no to highly processed foods kids!

Here’s an idea, instead of doing god knows what to isolate plant sterols and then putting them in margarine (that’s already not good for you), then convince people to buy your product because it’s healthy, why don’t you suggest eating more plants? Oh wait, that won't make Becel money. If anyone wonders why I rage so much about these things I suggest reading some of Michael Pollan’s books, they’re rather dry but they make you think and look at food completely differently.

Ok. Rant over. I think we were due for one, I haven’t ranted since the Lap Band Surgery post.

~ H

Also I called and set up my first appointment with the ed counsellor, which quite frankly, was the hardest phone call I’ve ever made. To distract myself from thinking about this I’m focusing on my upcoming vacay. A trip across the country to see my sis and her little famjam including a side trip to Vancouver to visit my old friend. I’ll try to stay out of trouble and fit marathon training in… somehow!

Week 8 Workout Summary. Intervals and Court Sprints

2011-03-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting weekend. I went out last night for my friend V’s birthday to a club, a very terrible, terrible, small town club. I heard Spice Girls songs and saw way too much skin, the dress code seemed to be lace or spandex that was too small, too short, with weird cut outs. Uggghhh, I knew what to expect and dressed to ward off creepers; a big ‘ol skull t-shirt, some amazing studded boots that I haven’t stopped wearing since they arrived in the mail, a lovely scowl for strangers and of course my latest clothing purchase, the denim diaper. Which is no longer a diaper but massive shorts that require a belt to stay up.*

The portion of the night spent sitting at a table talking to friends was fun, walking through a crowd of old men gropers and Jersey Shore wannabes was not. Thank god V’s birthday is only once a year. Because of the gin and tonics required to keep me sane last night I was slightly hung over this morning. Running 10 miles while hung over isn't fun, but I did it. Also did a few laps in the pool and soaked in the hot tub afterwards.

Week 8 Workout Summary (Feb 28 – March 5)

Sunday: 9 mile outdoor run (medium hills)

Monday & Tuesday: rest days

Wednesday: Treadmill: Incline 2.0, 8 miles in 1 hour 10 minutes. 7 miles @ 6.8, 1 mile @ 7.6 (weights –legs)

Thursday: Fartlek Training. 10 minute @ 6.5, 4minutes @ 8.1, 4minutes @ 6.5 done 3 times, 2 minutes @ 8.1, 7 minutes @6.8. Break (weights – arms) 40 minutes @ 6.8 incline 2.0

Friday: Rest day :( Fell asleep on the couch.

Saturday: Court Sprints (using the squash court). 5 minutes court lengths, rest 3 minutes, 5 minutes suicides done 3 times (DEATH) 2 minutes mirror movements (stand facing partner one person leads the other person follows). I could barely walk after this, if my bf wasn’t there encouraging me to keep going I’m not sure I could have lasted as long. Treadmill 45 minutes: 1 mile @ 6.8, 4 miles @ 7.1, .24 miles @6.4. Weights - arms

My schedules pretty clear this week, I don’t have any volunteer shifts, no events, just time to train. I’m planning on spreading out my rest days (I hate taking them back to back, if I spread them out I can fit in 6 days of exercise) and going on a group run with the running room at least once. I have some questions about pacing and training I hope someone there can answer.

The main goal this week is to keep up the interval training and to push myself. I REALLY need to get a long run in that’s more than 10 miles. I know that I can do it, I just have to make time for it and make sure I get enough sleep so I have energy at the end of my workday.

~H

*Some insight into my mind. The shorts I bought a few weeks ago are too big and I need the size 2 (which cross your fingers might still be on the sale rack tomorrow). Logically I know at 5’8 whatever this is ‘small’ but when I look in the mirror I can’t see it. My mind always tells me I’m fat. Always. I see fat thighs, flab, jiggle, a huge beast staring back at me in the mirror.

Lately I’ve been pretty good at not letting it get to me too much- I know I’m losing weight/inches even if it is slowly but I always think I’m fat. I feel guilty every time I eat something, no matter what it is. I feel as if I shouldn’t eat until I hit the weight I want. Whenever I reach the weight I THINK I want, I feel like I should still lose weight. It’s a never ending cycle that I’m trying to break. Acting on my ‘impulses’ or whatever you want to call them seems to be related to depression, when I’m happier I’m able to function and not act on them, but when I’m down that’s when everything just goes to sh*t. I'm currently not depressed and not acting on my impulses... for now anyways.

The Thrive Diet Is My Guide, But Do I Have To Give Up Leather And Suede??

2011-03-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally got the chance to picking up a couple books on veganism Almost Skinny Vegan recommended, one of them being The Thrive Diet. I’m only a few chapters in and I’m getting so excited! Every few pages I stop and think “yeah! What this guy is saying makes so much sense!” The more I read the more I want to go vegan, simply to lower my body fat, slow down the aging process and feel better overall. Something about this book makes me think I could drop some serious weight following the diet.

The author is a professional ironman triathlon athlete and he talks about how different diets (and other factors) caused him to gain body fat despite training for 8-10 HOURS a day! What's stood out the most to me so far was this:

"I tried what most people do to lost fat: I cut back on the amount of food I ate. After a few weeks of consuming less, the situation was even worse: I gained fat faster, plus fatigue was now a real concern."

Hmmmm maybe that's my problem. With the exception of a day here and there most days I under eat and my weight loss is slowing down. Previously my solution would be to keep cutting calories until I'm eating one or two days a week if that, but I'm at the point where I'm willing to try something different (I'm also dealing with the underlying issues that cause me to do this*). Easier said than done...

The other book I got (besides picking up a random Oscar Wilde book my boyfriend requested) was Ani’s Raw Food Kitchen. I’ve only had the chance to leaf through it quickly, but the pictures and recipes sucked me in. The book’s formatted like a coffee table book so I’m going to use it as just that! Hopefully it'll get a discussion on veganism started when people come over.

It was so refreshing to see an author that looked laid back and down to earth.

The main reason I went vegetarian (and am going vegan) is I actually don't like the taste of meat. People seem to find this shocking, but it's true! Even though my decision isn't rooted in animal welfare and technically I could wear fur, leather and suede, deep down I know animals deserve to be treated with respect and kindness making books about animal ethics next on my reading list.

My problem is I really, REALLY love shoes, possibly a little too much. They're the only thing that I can wear ALL the time no matter what weight I am. Giving up shoes seems so depressing. I search online for treasures like the one below (which I check almost daily to see if they've gone on sale), waiting for markdowns, hunting down discount codes to get amazing deals. Most of the shoes I usually like are made of leather or suede. As shallow as it may seem this is going to be difficult for me to give up, if I decide to do that.

What can I say? At least the craziness on the outside matches what's going on in the inside!

So I don't know what to do. Hopefully reading about animal ethics will make this easier, I feel like if I'm going to bother going vegan (even just for health reasons) giving up leather and suede is what I should do but I don't want to. At all. What do you think??? Has anyone else had this dilemma???? :/

~ H

*So far things have been pretty good but my life is fairly unstressful right now but I'm apprehensive about summer. Life gets hectic and there's always stuff going on making it hard to fit in exercise. Plus the pressure of summer clothes... I don't know how I would handle it if I couldn't fit into my size 25 clothes by May. I would literally stop eating until I could get them on. That's why I'm in the process of setting up counselling/therapy so I can deal with why I do this.